Bulldozing Billy: Dealing with Bullies

Got a building you need razed? Call in Bulldozing Billy for the job and he’ll knock down any obstacles — like your kids — in no time! Bullying in schools and beyond is unacceptable but only a growing challenge for all of us. How to help kids?      — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GW/BW — My 10-year old child has been bullying some other kids in class. I’m at a loss! Why? He’s a sweet kid at home, though somewhat pushy, but he takes after his father who is a natural bulldozer.  I don’t want my son to bully. What can I do?  — Mommy in Need

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Dear Mommy in Need,

Bullying among kids is a growing problem not restricted to schools or gender. The good news is that we’re talking about kids who are malleable enough to be positively influenced toward better behavior. You know, improvement.

As the adult, it’s important to keep in mind that bullying hurts everyone, the bully included.Empathy (not sympathy)  for all parties involved is important toward real solutions. Most bullies (personality disorders excepted) don’t just happen, they are natured then nurtured. If the behavior is not corrected, 1 out of 4 of them can become criminally inclined and suffer from lesser careers and otherwise fulfilled adult lives. Victims of bullying, if bullied long enough, can suffer from emotional dysfunctions like low self-esteem, eating disorders or depression, and physical problems like G.I. issues and anxiety expressions like headaches.

Help kids deal with bullies. Walking away from bullies is the best answer, and usually takes much more courage and strength than engaging them. This is meant to not satisfy the bully’s need for a reaction, as much as to bore them to walk away themselves! Find real friends for support, and self- and group practice true confidence. Hold but don’t stuff down anger by physically working out, or journaling it out. Talking to others about your true feelings is most important for all its benefits of sharing.

If your kid is Bulldozing Billie/-y, then s/he should be encouraged to talk it out with an adult s/he admires and seek to learn through visualization (even reverse role playing) how her/his bullying makes others feel. Empathy. What it’s like to be the recipient of bullying, and how that person likely views her/him. This isn’t a popularity contest, but a Real World survivor — no one wants to be “Janice Dickenson”!

True and tenacious empathy is the practice to answer bullying.

Empathetically,

BW

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Dear Mommy in Need,

Bullying is one way children seek to understand power and how to be the one holding the power. Quite often, it is behavior they have watched from a parent or older relative. If they feel like that behavior ‘wins’ power over another, they will often mirror that behavior as they begin to decipher how to wield their own power.

So how do you break the cycle? First look for the adult culprit in the family. There is probably someone in your family who yells or uses some form of intimidation to get their way. Sadly, bullying behavior is often learned at home. But it can be prevented there, as well. There are tools available to help.

In my own family, a few steps were necessary. The first was to bring down the hammer on my child. Once she realized I knew what was happening at school and would not condone it, she began to question her methods. When she lost all privileges and had extra chores around the house for some unforeseeable future, she started to change her ways. Then, I did the unexpected. I showed up one day at school when I was not expected, picked her up early and had a one-on-one date with her. I let her know everything we discussed would be confidential.

We discussed where she had seen the bullying as an effective tool (family member) and I pointed out how that same tool was not actually working for that person’s best interest. I showed her how it effected his relationships negatively. Once she could see all the examples of how it was not working, we discussed right use of power. Want some help on deciphering right use of power? Read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.

You and your child must work to new muscles. Your child must learn to work the compassion muscle, which will require constant vigilance on both your parts.  You must learn the fine balance between tough love and honest communication. Your child must see that you are watching and interested in what goes on in his/her life. It is up to you as the parent to teach your child the Rules of the Road. Give your child the rules to understanding power struggles and that might does not equal right and “being nice” does not equal weak. Watch their favorite TV shows and point out good behavior and bullying behavior. Now is the time to make a difference before the behavior is set in as part of your child’s character.

You can make a difference,

GoodWitch

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