Monthly Archives: February 2010

Family Court: Judgments at Reunion Time

Posted on February 25, 2010 | 2 Comments

The word “family”gets eyes rolling and pushes some people’s hot buttons of insecurity or far more negative emotions. When it comes to the Big Family Reunion, maybe to attain acceptance, it’s time to switch to zippers.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a family reunion (huge, people fly in from around the country and we have committees to organize it) coming up and I’m finding I’m vainer for this thing than my high school reunion! I mean, hair, Botox, liposuction vain. What accounts for this nuttiness for family members who should love me no matter what?  — Relatively Vain

==

Dear Relatively Vain,

Well you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. No one can bring out your insecurities with off-handed discussions about your complexion, your butt or the intimate sundries of your life like family. Comments friends, coworkers and acquaintances would never dare utter (with you in the room) are free fodder for full family discussion because on some level you share DNA.

I’m sure, somewhere there are families who are not doing this to each other. But, I come from a traditional African-American family where only the deep dark family secrets are off the table. If it’s your physicality—weight gained or lost, hair cut or grown—doctor’s notes, test results, or dating status, is all in-bounds. This alone is enough to make you slimfast, bodyshape, and nip/tuck to avoid scrutiny. Though you should realize, this is your family, those nip/tucks, etc. are still open for discussion.

Remember family is family. If you are feeling insecure, remember that’s your stuff. They may be obnoxious. They may pry and discuss your body like a newly purchased side of beef, but they love you. They care and they will always be there for you—whether you Botox before or not. But, please realize, if you Botox, they will know—and talk about it. If you get breast implants, butt implants, rhinoplasty or anything else that changes the outcome of the genetic materials you share—they will talk about it—and probably not nicely .

So, what’s the answer. Know that it is not just you. Truly nutty, loving families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family loves you, no matter if or how they are able to show it. The fact that everyone spends the time and money to come together for the reunion—proves it. Be compassionate about your families over-sharing. Do not judge them for it or choose to feel judged. Instead, decide this is one way that your family shares the big stuff and the minutia of family because they care enough to want to know it all. Choose to be you. Be comfortable and accept that family is as family does. Choose to accept yourself, your family, your genes and the scrutiny that comes with it. U B U. Get your hair done. Make sure you have a nice outfit and clean underwear (in case of accident) and go in there as yourself. That’s all they want to see, anyway.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Relatively Vain,

Confession! I’m that weirdo for whom the word “family” has a strongly positive association — including our shared delusion that we’re all smokin’ hot. So…

You can love, hate, or in-between them, but while family are the people most of us wouldn’t normally choose as our friends, they are our first identifiers/labelers, and perspective/values givers to How the World Really Is. This deep seeded imprinting is hard but not impossible to overcome, should you decide you’re ready to drop your story (e.g., I’m fat; will never amount to anything; or tall people are richer, etc.) or otherwise “rewrite your script.”

Generally, I don’t mind enhancements and procedures if you’re truly doing them for you or your health. I mind (for you) that you seem to have undergone a lot of time, expense and pain for other peoples’ (shared DNA or not) approval. Go stand in the mirror naked and stare and stare at your face and body. If you’re really brave, take some pictures (or have a friend do it); you can always Delete them later. Note what you like and dislike, hate and love about whichever parts pull and keep your eyes staring. Finally, to the parts you most dislike or even hate, say out loud to them, “Thank you for helping me see the world,” or “Digesting the nutrients that give me energy,” or “Giving me a portable, comfortable seat to sit on,” etc. You get the idea. Say out loud your praise and gratitude statements to these parts — touch or hold them as you speak — at least once a day, preferably naked in the shower or as you’re dressing for your day. [Acceptance doesn’t mean throwing up you hands and “settling” for your crappy parts, oh well. You can choose to actively make changes/ improvements/ enhancements to these parts while you praise and thank for what they do for you in their perfection today. This acceptance of responsibility helps us close the circle of self-acceptance.]

You can always buy New & Improved! cheekbones and hair, but inside out, you will still reflect the worst bits and pieces your family passed along, if you don’t make the true changes you deem necessary to live that more authentically beautiful version of You.

We are family,

BadWitch

==

Image, Frida Kahlo’s Family Tree

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Restaurant Dining Wars. Spit for Spat?

Posted on February 22, 2010 | Leave a comment

You’ve been served! Bad food, that is. Which whine should you have with that? Standing up for yourself at a sit down meal.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Do you believe in sending back bad food? Isn’t this just asking for a whole different can of worms of problems (like spit)? — Spit for Spite

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Dear Spit for Spite,

Well, that all depends on the restaurant…and your attitude. Life is all about flowing in harmony. Sometimes, you realize that harmony requires your meat to be cooked further or the plentiful pits plucked from your tapenade. Although, at other times it is clear that harmony can be maintained by foregoing returning your free bread for warming or just putting the red onion—you held, but now find on your burger—to the side.

In other words, check the atmosphere before pulling your high maintenance routine. Your well-trained palate and its stringent requirements may be well received at a 5-star restaurant and may incite Waiting-esq revenge in your typical American chain restaurant where what you get is really what you get. All-American chain, all you can eat— unless the problem is dramatic, don’t send it back.

Check the vibe in the establishment. If the wait staff is high school age-ish, start with a lack luster repeat-after-me-verbatim-introduction or comes with full-color pictures on the menu are usually not the places to send food back to the kitchen.

However, in a more welcoming environment, by all means, ask to have your needs met. Ask, not order. Ask with compassion—believing, trusting and approaching the situation like an oversight or mistake rather than a flagrant attack on your dinner out. If you are respectful in how you ask to have your needs met, your needs will usually be met in a respectful way. If there is any inkling that your respectful request has been met with less than the utmost courtesy and hygiene, ask for the manager immediately or report the restaurant to local government board.

Good luck and good eating,

GoodWitch

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Dear Spit for Spite,

Life is just like dining out: you can pick from an assortment of choices offered you. Not everything you want is always on the menu. Sometimes your good choices aren’t what you expect, other times, the meal surpasses your expectations. You learn. You dine another day.

One of those fabulous life specials often reserved for the chef’s or “secret” menu, is how to pick and choose your battles. Most chefs don’t like being told “how to cook” (which is different from its preparation, which is really what rational dish returnees are most often saying) and you do run the risk of incurring their (or your waiter’s) wrath of spit or some other unsavory secret sauce. I firmly believe that in life in and out of restaurants, that you should always clearly ask for what you want — not to mention here, you’re paying hard-earned money for it. Gently fold those ingredients together (picking your fights and standing up for yourself), add a tablespoon of reasonable language, and let cool before serving (your waiter!).

Treating your waiter with respect is my tip for you. Probably the best way to avoid other peoples’ earned or unearned spite in your food of life, is to come to the table with an open mind, evenhanded attitude, empathy for others’ hard work, and your own strong sense of boundaries of what is right and just. From apps to dessert, this is a great menu that should leave you happily full and sated.

Bon apetito a la dolce vita,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Hello, My Name is Jon & I’m Addicted to Social Networking

Posted on February 18, 2010 | 1 Comment

O!, what a tangled web we weave. More and more people feel caught in their own Social web instead of in their real life (RL). And all social skills are not created equally. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW— Help me! I’m being held captive in a Social factory! I spend wayyy too many hours every day at my socials. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. Is there such a thing as balanced online life?! — Nothing but Social Life

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Dear Nothing but Social Life,

I call obsession to being online constantly BSOS, or Bright Shiny Objects Syndrome. Let’s be clear: you have an obsession (a mental preocupation) not a true addiction (a dependency) — but sadly it’s funnier to say you’re addicted when it comes to something so seemingly small yet insidious as Social networking. This phenomenon is relatively new to the past 15 years, give or take, and it does represent a real and potentially damaging and problem for kids or teens — anyone still developing (physically (brain), academically (reading/spelling), emotionally and socially (critical thinking, emotional balance, and inter-/intrapersonal communication)). The debate’s still out on whether social networking and massive hours online for kids is good or bad. Depending on what age/stage you are, the problem as you described  it can affect one differently.

Spending the majority hours of your day online “being social” is not the same thing as actually Having a Real Life, which takes skills, time and effort, and practice. If you have a RL, then web Socials can be an enhancement, not a replacement. My advice in a nutshell: Go outside and play! One feeds the other. The inside of your head is never as fascinating a place to anyone else as it is to you. Just the facts, ma’am/sir. The classic building blocks of  social, cultural and personal development still hold true: learning how to read and write (properly) gives U a leg up 2 understndg ur world historically and presently, which assists in having conversations with others to stimulate and grow your brain’s logic, speech, spatial and judgment centers, which all add up to the ability for having a fuller, more satisfying and balanced social life.

While out of balance Social networking is an obsession rather than an addiction, I still recommend checking how OCD a personality you might have as a good starting point to help you identify some of your behaviors and/or motivations. Otherwise, “addiction” to Socials is much more akin to work addiciton than a classic addiction (e.g., sex or drugs), and coming to balance is obviously the goal.

Start there. Answer the questions in the article link above, and start understanding what motivates your persistent, maybe obsessive Social usage. You can always try implementing a couple simple Social habit-breaking rules for yourself over 6 weeks (time to change a habit).

Balance your RL & Social lives: 1) only log on if you actually have something truly interesting and/or “newsworthy” to say, and; 2) if you can say it all by spending no more than 30 minutes a day updating, Replying, or browsing your Socials. Then between Weeks 2-4 of your habit-changing 6 weeks, drop 5 minutes each week from your time online at your Socials, until you are only logging in for 15 minutes a day. I recommend the stopwatch on your iPhone (a good personal use for a mobile!) or other alarm system.

In all your newly found free time, you can develop your people watching, reading and conversational skills more often in the RW.

Logging off,

BadWitch

==

Dear Nothing But Social Life,

I hope your social life happens in the 3-D world, as well. The beauty of social media is the beauty of connection. You can connect with friends of long ago and people you don’t know, even celebrities. But unless that is balanced with loving relationships in the 3-D world, you are missing out on hugs, kisses, and infectious belly laughs that roll on and on. The good news is your social obsession may be the very means of stepping back into the real world—you know, offline.

You can find people from your class living in your city and send a message to meet up. Speaking of meeting up, MeetUp.com leverages social media for a 3-D world. You find what you like to do — from archery to cooking, talking about the brain to best happy hours — in the real world and meet other folks who are into the same thing there. Joining groups with similar interests can create lifelong bonds. Jane Austen Book Club, anyone?

Your social life comes with distance built in. Time, location, and an electronic device come between you and your online interactions. You can edit what you say, before blurting it out and can actually delete what you say. Would that the real-world were so forgiving. That is why we can feel more comfortable behind our socials than in the 3-D.

Meld them both for optimum balance, health and sanity. Did you know hugs reduce your heart rate and stress levels — proven. People with close relationships (on and off screen, mind you) live longer than those who do not, again, proven.

Funny thing is if you were a social addict, had to be out in the world and around people 24-7, I would counsel you to spend ore time alone and draw some boundaries in your life, perhaps even using social media as a tool. But, in your case, you have bridged two worlds. You are in the world, but not of it, which may work in the Buddah’s mind to lighten the soul, but if you are here in this 3-D, in a body, well make the most of it. Get out and go places you’ve never been before, even if it’s just neighborhoods in your city. Go for walks and actually chat with strangers. Besides, if you need a hit, check your mobile and upload a couple of status updates, that automatically feed your Tweet.

There’s no cold turkey needed here. Besides the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has already by-passed online addiction as an actual social disorder.

Screen time + 3-D time=balance.

Get Happy,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


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Jealousy! Slaying the Green-eyed Monster

Posted on February 15, 2010 | 1 Comment

Sometimes even the most secure person can feel jealousy about a situation. But then they get over it.  Sustained jealousy is bitterness and that’s a sweet relationship killer. Do they make eye drops that get the green out?   — BadWitch

Happy President’s Day!

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I think I may sound crazy and high maintenance when nothing could be farther from the truth. I am so proud of my spouse’s success and thriving at work. A very close bond has developed with another director of the opposite sex. How do I let go of this jealousy?  — Green Eyed Supporter

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Dear Green Eyed Supporter,

Jealousy starts in the (green) eye of the beholder. Are you seeing the truth or just what you “want” to see? Jealousy is based on fear or anger of anticipating the loss of something. Check your body for fear by seeing if you have a stomach flutter or churn, or if you’re clenching your teeth or tight in the jaw, that’s anger. You know what I’m always saying: the Wisdom of your body.

You seem fairly life experienced, so I will jump to having a straightforward, non-emotional conversation with your spouse. Tell her (?) that you are extremely proud of her accomplishments and that you wouldn’t have it any other way for her at work, but that something has pushed your insecurity button and you want to just let her know so you can figure it out together, to put it to rest. Describe your half of the situation to her plainly and without emotional words like “I know you X” or “when you guys do this or that” and own your own feelings with phrases beginning with “I (feel)” or “my (perception)” – own it. Then when it’s her turn to respond, throughout, just listen. This is the hard part. Really listen and try to hear what she’s saying. You can use that information for the next step, later, on your own.

Figure out what you are supposed to learn from this incident, and see if you have any misunderstandings, misconceptions or other erroneous beliefs you can change/update (examples only: “People I care for always leave me,” or, “When things get too good, something’s due to go wrong.”)

Know that jealousy is simply a natural human emotion, but that it’s not synonymous with “being in relationship” or a sign of caring! Whether your spouse is actually doing something to give you reason for jealousy or not, or you’re jealous about her growth or independence, see it, embrace it, and allow it…to help you grow.

Empower yourself, your relationships,

BadWitch

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Dear Green Eyed Supporter,

So many questions are swirling through my mind. Are you working outside of the home? Have you witnessed this “close bond” or are you hearing about it through your partner’s stories? Are you reacting to how closely they must work together to get the job done or how much they are together? The question really is: am I just jealous or is there something going on?

My question of whether or not you are working outside the home has to do with your point of view. I know from experience when my home and children were my work, I was often jealous of my partner’s ability to leave the house, play with adults and solve big people problems. Seriously. I understand the importance (and can see it in my children) of making home and children a priority, but it takes a toll on the stay-at-home psyche. It is easy to feel as though you are contributing less, therefore have less “say” in decisions and ultimately, feel less than your partner—and any of your sex working outside the home.

If this is the case, take back your power TODAY! Go online and find out what all day exclusive live-in nannies cost. Add in all the services including, Girl/Guy-Friday taking in the car to the shop, groceries, laundry, chef, etc. Tally up your take-home pay. Your work has value and not just monetary. Drink in your value, put on something cute and remind your spouse of the powerhouse at home. This is not some cheap Patty Stanger trick. This is taking back your power and position in your relationship. If you hold it, no one else can.

Now, that is only one scenario and may be completely off from the truth. Perhaps you are working too and now getting the “gotta work late” phone calls. If your partner is telling you all the stories involving this co-worker, you are still early in the game in my opinion. Chances are nothing is going on, yet. If your partner is willingly telling you stories that this person drops into regularly, your spouse is not feeling guilty about the relationship. Again, drink in your value, put on something cute and plan either an adventure or weekend away and take back your power and position in your relationship.

If you believe you are all that (and you are) and your spouse is in the know (balanced, open communicative, fun relationship), that green-eyed monster would not appear. Jealousy is an indicator of either 1. Cheating or 2. Feelings of a lack of self worth. My method is to take control of what I can. I can control how I feel about myself. I remind myself that this person has already chosen me. I do not need to continually ask for signs that I am the chosen one. I just need to remember and remind myself (often, repeatedly and throughout the day) to create a new mindset, which will ultimately create a more favorable dynamic in the relationship. Confidence is sexy.

BTW, if you truly suspect your partner of cheating, follow through and follow up. Don’t pull an Elin with your head in the sand. This is your health and home life. Face what you know. Calling it jealousy and trying t sweep it under the rug when you know it’s true in your heart is self-destructive and allows you to accept a place of inferiority. DO NOT EVER IN LIFE ACCEPT A PLACE OF INFERIORITY WITHIN YOUR MARRIAGE. Know your worth.

Remember, you are worth all that and a bag of chips,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Calendaring L-OV-E? V-day, Not Just for Lovers

Posted on February 11, 2010 | 2 Comments

Lots of us have love on the brain this weekend. Some of us regularly disdain Valentine’s Day. But why put off celebrating real love? Most of all remember, love is not just for Lovers or a chick thing but about truly celebrating…ourselves.

— BadWitch

Brewing & Celebrating Love’s Magic…

==

Valentines Day brings to mind hearts, roses and chocolate kisses. As a child, I dreaded Valentine’s Day. What if no one gave me a Valentine? In high school it was a question of whether anyone would send me a rose. By the end of the day, I had a small bouquet of yellow roses from the friends, while longingly staring down the hall at the love of my life, who invariably, thought I was one of his buddies.

Whether you have someone special in your life (who knows it!), are pining away for the one who got away or happily alone, remember to take the time to romance yourself this Valentine’s Day. After all, you are the most important relationship you will have in your life. In the immortal words of RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else.” Can I get an amen!

So, how to best romance yourself on this special occasion with your MOST special partner, i.e. you? I believe in starting with putting on your date underwear (oh, you know the ones I mean) and get yourself looking good and smelling pretty. That’s right, you look good, you feel good. Now, get yourself some flowers. You can cut and arrange them from the yard or buy a beautiful bouquet.  Then decide what would mean the most for you. Would you rather see a romantic comedy or a horror flick with a tub of popcorn? Perhaps a three-course meal at your favorite restaurant or that restaurant you’ve been wanting to check out. Treat yourself the way that you would hope to have a devoted lover treat you on this special holiday sacred to lovers the world over.

And, if you are sharing this beautiful day with someone special, really do it right. Couples massage is an excellent way to build intimacy and raise oxytocin. Add some flowers and chocolates and, well…Now, if money is an issue, tap into your creativity. One year I made a board game I called SCORE! I set it up like baseball, but the batter had to answer questions about their partner, like “which way do I like to have the toilet paper roll? Over or Under?” If the answer was right they advance a base. If they SCORE without striking out (one wrong answer and you’re out) a PLAY card is won. This card  may win you a kiss or some well-thought liberty or an “I love you,” in your best Donald Duck voice. Keep it fun and sensual. For the cost of paper and markers you can create a truly special and memorable evening.

I capped the evening off with lemon cake topped with candied rose petals. Even though we are divorced (but friends—hey, there are kids involved!) he still reminds me of that amazing dessert. We leave off mentioning the game, but let ‘s just say, unforgettable…in a good way.

Romance is in the making and the intention. Intend to open your heart. Intend to do the little things that make a heart flutter, a little wink or whisper of a touch. Intend to say what should never go left unsaid, “My life is better for having you in it.” And intend to enjoy. Life is a string of moments pulled together. Enjoy as many as possible.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

GoodWitch

P.S. For more yummy ideas, join our Fan page and get in the mood.

==

Love starts with “U.” Why celebrate just one day of card company-sanctioned LOVE? Not everyone is hooked up or as Pauly D and the Situation would say, creepin’. But every day is a good day to celebrate the love of self, so we can love each other a little bit better.

Indy celebration: If you find the holiday depressing, then stay away from all things V-Day themed including date movie genre flicks and restaurants featuring menus for Lovers. There are so many other ways you can celebrate your self yourself. Maybe you’ll do this soaking in a fragrant tub, power walking around a sparkling lake, writing or videoing Things You Love About Yourself (no need to leak it to TMZ, and I highly recommend this at least annually! If you don’t know what’s lovable about you, then who else can love all the amazing things about you?) — what makes you tick, uniquely special, so enchanting, attractive, delightful and/or any other element worth spotlighting and celebrating. Revisit your I Heart Me list…when you need to. Now, darlin’, that’s a gift that keeps on giving. For fun Groupie celebrating: Tweetup or plan a NVD (NotValentine’sDay) for the Love of Love event. Whether it’s a Girls night, Bromance, or mixed party, open up the floor to ideas from everyone, or assign everyone to come up with to bring a funny, serious, strange or favorite way to celebrate how they L-O-V-E themselves. Chocolate, flowers and a heart-shaped pizza at a bowling alley? Fan love of live hockey, Olympics viewing or homage to a great artist, musician or film director? Why not? Lovers celebration: Whether a celebration big, small or at all, I highly recommend recognizing intimacy in our lives on all its levels. One post-V-Day report at the office, the others fawned over my gift account because my honeyface had actually heard an off-the-cuff comment I’d made about needing to replace a mundane item, and did so with a luxury version. Both genders gave props to my sweetie not for his shopping acumen but the real element of surprise — listening! Intimacy is about the seemingly small attentions we pay each other and ourselves.

However you choose to celebrate V-Day, make sure you include really celebrating the love of your self. Extra credit and…cin cin to amore, liebe, любовь, love!

BadWitch’s Love Potion #1

2 oz Acai berry juice (this great antioxidant’s taste described as a cross between red wine and chocolate)

2 oz Three Olives Chocolate Vodka

Splash of Cointreau

Shake vigorously. Strain. Garnish with a raspberry.

Oh yeah, baby. Repeat.

“Love is something that’s built on a solid foundation of just gratification of mutual understanding throughout the years.” – Larry Flynt on love

Love, You,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Joy! When Depression is Too Depressing

Posted on February 8, 2010 | 4 Comments

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Sadness can be valuable, but when repeated, again, still…stuck…it’s depressing. Literally. Trying UnSad.     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I don’t know what to do with my life. I look fine and am functioning (healthy and pay my bills and have a few close friends), but I think I’m kind of getting depressed. I don’t have anything to be depressed about! WTF?  — Which Way?

==

Dear Which Way,

Depression can be caused by many things—from nutritional imbalances to lack of goals, i.e. something to strive for. I cannot say, of course, what is causing this downturn in your outlook, but I can offer some suggestions that are known serotonin producers.

Remind yourself each day of the many blessings present in your life. Keep a gratitude journal and list 10 blessings you experience each day. I suggest writing out your list each night before you go to sleep and then re-reading them each morning. In this way you train your brain to look for the positive in your life before you go to sleep and you start your day by again reminding yourself of the blessings you have received. In this way you are training your brain towards positivity. Seeing the glass half full becomes a habit, and thereby more automatic.

Adding certain foods to your diet can boost your mood. Foods high in tryptophan, like turkey or cashews creates GABA (a calming hormone) and serotonin (a happy-making hormone) in the brain. In other words, you can eat yourself to a better outlook. Pineapple, milk (the more whey proteins the better), Omega 3s ) found in salmon and other fish), and B vitamins (spinach, kale) will all help. Naturally.

The field of orthomolecular medicine offers much more information about nutrition to affect mood. By discovering what nutritional imbalances may exist (most Americans have butritioal imbalances) you can adjust your diet to better balance proper nutrition and, thereby, assist in balancing emotions. We all know not eating can lead to very bad moods. Now imagine some chronic depletion, like magnesium, over the course of a few months or years. Bad mood ensues. Ask your physician for a blood work up to determine if there are any chemical imbalances which can be turned around with a change in diet.

Otherwise the best offense against depression is a good defense. Delve into alternative and complementary therapies like Reiki, massage or meditation, to open yourself to a broader interpretation of life and what is possible. StillSitting.NET offers an introduction to meditation, more information on mood boosting foods and breathwork exercises that can bring you back to ground zero so you can lift your spirits from there.

Don’t settle for “this is as good as it’s going to get.” And don’t think there’s a magic happy pill that will take the blues away. The truth is depression is very real. It is your spirit telling you that it is unsatisfied. Begin to give yourself the tools to come back. Part is changing habits and part is faking it, till you make it. But as one who has bounced back from depression by doing the transformative work necessary—like changing diet, habits and looking at what my soul was unsatisfied with and then affecting the change—I know happier days are possible. In fact, highly possible if you take control of your life

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Which Way,

To say being “sad” is all in your head is not necessarily that far from the truth. It’s natural and helpful to feel sad when events call for that emotional response, but if we don’t recognize, feel, address and do something to change the situation, chronic sadness can become depression, and that partially (psyche and the spirit, too) takes residence in the brain.

Here are some practical Sadness Fighting body-mind-spirit Tips:

~ Bright light (they don’t call it seasonal affective disorder — SAD — for nothing!), any one especially halogen lights will help lift your mood and help create happy hormones in your brain especially during the winter season

~ Move! Exercise and moving your body of any sustained kind helps lift your mood. Moving helps circulation, muscle stimulation/growth and…again with releasing the happy hormones

~ A banana a day keeps the shrink away. The potassium in bananas positively affects (and effects) serotonin production in the brain

~ Be down with joy! The BadWitch take on “Fake it ‘Till You Make it.” Honey. Seriously. There’s wisdom in the old show tune that says when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you. You can (and do) have reflected back to you a world and energy that you put out — why not want, desire happiness and wellbeing which support you positively in turn when reflected back to you by others

~ Laugh! That we freak ourselves out over and over about the same things is indeed keeping the gods in stitches. Take a more humorous big view of things

~ Be responsible for your joy. A solid philosophy of financial planning is a good one for life in general, and getting out of your doldrums. 1) Control what we can control, and; 2) eliminate surprises as much as possible. I know these are trying times for everyone. Everybody feels worn down. “Problems” (that produce sadness) aren’t solved by fretting about fretting (again recognize, feel, embrace it but don’t give yourself permission to become stuck there). The only things we can control, should be! They include: our general attitude, sense and follow-through of responsibility (to ourselves and others in our lives appropriately), and most importantly and the thing all other things hinge on: the quality of our thoughts.

These are tough days, no denying that. Feel your feelings fully, try these Tips. Next thing you know, you’ll be feeling less non-specifically sad and more energized by the day to fund the energy to do something more specific about its source.

Have you hugged your Body’s Wisdom today?,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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The Stress Smell of Revenge

Posted on February 4, 2010 | 3 Comments

When we are wronged by an old friend, how can we right ourselves again? Releasing the self-imposed stress of wanting to strike back .     — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Someone who I thought was an old friend really did me wrong. I can’t stop these thoughts of revenge in my head.    — Cold Dish

==

Dear Cold Dish,

Punishment! Payback! Revenge! While they make for a cool poster, are a lot better suited for the movies and soap operas than real life where that sweet taste is a shot, but a hole in the gut lasts forever. Why stress yourself giving yourself an ulcer when you can Go Green! (ok so yeah, lower case), and recycle that same energy into healing, improving and growing yourself? Believe me, this is the more sustainable model.

There’s no pain like the pain of deceit a trusted former friend can dole out. This alone makes the healing and self-improvement an uphill trek. But hiking uphill builds strong legs, lungs and buns of steel. Work on your emotions in the same way: build a foundation of unflinchingly truthful self-knowledge (did you somehow contribute to this betrayal, if not, what would your ex-friend’s motive be to hurt you?); steely resolve to learn something about yourself from this incident (like how you hurt – your hot buttons can reveal to yourself your most unhealed emotions), or how you knew something about your friend but maybe hid that truth from yourself (what payoff/need did having this person fulfill in your life?), etc.); and the life-sustaining ebb and flow of acceptance of things as they are and self-reliance (not the same as isolated). Surround yourself with true friends and family who appreciate and can support you in your growth and thriving. Remember who you really are.

Finally, sweet Cold Dish, I think you’ll be doing yourself a favor (and shortcut) to turn and face how much this old friend hurt you. Grieve. There’s a good deal of mourning your situation (and our culture at large) appears not to have embraced yet. There’s a gaping hole where there was once something very important to you and your life. Take the time to really recognize, mourn its absence, thank it for the gift it was (when it was and what it actually gave you), and let it go.

Divine it is to forgive, Yoda,

BadWitch

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Dear Cold Dish,

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most painful experiences possible. You put your trust and faith into another person and they betray that trust through actions and/or words. Not fair. But maybe you’ve heard—revenge never helped anyone.

Truth is, thinking revenge-thoughts is perfectly sane. Most people when faced with betrayal will think horrible Carrie-esq revenge thoughts. You may envision horrible disfiguring or fatal accidents too. Again, sane. Now, taking any of those thoughts into the 3-D, insane, psychotic and, quite possibly, criminal.

So, let the revenge thoughts simmer for another day or so and then, move on. Pick yourself up and ask yourself the hardest question of all: How did I contribute to this situation. Were you too forthcoming with someone who had already showed you they were not trustworthy? Did you chose to remain blind to the signs of betrayal early on and dig yourself in deeper? Are there ways you can recover, rebound and safeguard yourself against these mistakes in the future—without closing off yourself from future relationships?

Forgiveness is just around the corner. Forgiveness does not mean to forget what happened. But stop the acid of hate and revenge running through your veins as soon as possible. You are only brewing up illness, stress and paranoia by keeping the un-forgiveness and revenge going. Unfriend them at Facebook. Change the name in your cell phone to ALERT (or something you feel may be more appropriate) so you can cancel any incoming calls from their number and move on with your life.

Chalk it up to experience. Realize this person has offered you the gift of a transformational lesson. Use this experience as a springboard yourself into a more alive, compassionate person. Use this lesson to grow more into the amazing person you are. That is the best revenge. The loss, the forfeit, the crappy karma is all theirs. Let the Universe sort out the punishment. Focus on your rewards. Even the darkest moments have brightness to offer us if we are willing to look into the blackness. Look. There’s a better, freer you on the other side.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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Legal Schmegal, Homegrown Discrimination in HR

Posted on February 1, 2010 | Leave a comment

Putting the Human in HR. Face it. Talking smack against religion or race — there’s an app(etite) for that in some people.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW —I work in HR and while it’s illegal for us to ask job applicants their race or religion, I get to overhear one of my colleagues vent her prejudice against a certain religion (there’s a lot of them in our building for some reason) every day. Should I tell her to stop before someone else hears and gets her in a lot of trouble, or just keep my own mouth shut?  — Freed Mind

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Dear Freed Mind,

You are on the right track by telling your colleague to hold her tongue. Truth is, her comments could trigger a discrimination lawsuit. Deriding comments about a particular sect of protected people—say, like a religion—can be considered harassment and/or discrimination under the right circumstances.

Imagine the following: some member of this religion is up for a promotion. This person has the seniority and qualifications for the promotion, but in the end a colleague with less time at the company, but more raw talent is selected. The selection was fair and understandable. However, the person from this religion, with feelings hurt, hears some comment first-hand or third or fourth hand, doesn’t really matter. They hear, feel the lost promotion was motivated by the company’s discriminatory feelings about their religion. After all, the person accused of saying heinous, biased comments works in HR for the company. What follows? Expensive litigation, your friend’s termination and a possible scouring of HR so the company can show a “fresh” face.

So, I would speak up, sooner rather than later. Pull her aside and have a heart-to-heart that may save her job. If you aren’t speaking up, you are complicit in the crime. You are helping to create a hostile atmosphere. Don’t think not saying anything absolves you. Putting your head in the sand on this one could cause you your job, and if there’s enough buzz around the whole issue in the press, could taint your career.

There are no borders in the world anymore. We must learn to be respectful of people who look differently, think differently, believe differently, talk differently, worship differently. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddists, Pagans—every religion has suffered persecution for believing what they believe. Tell your colleague to evolve. Heresy doesn’t really exist and no one gets burned at the stake anymore.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

P.S. Document everything for your job safety. Comments said by whom with a date—including a brief on your conversation. You may never need to refer to it, but if you do, you’ll be more than a little happy to have your evidence right there.

P.P.S.-I’m proud of you for doing the right thing.

==

Dear Freed Mind,

The adage Loose Lips Sinks Ships came from WWII concerns about overheard communications sinking US subs. These days, we should all be even more concerned with texting or other electronic gossiping which has greater potential to leave your co-worker’s control than even her own bad judgment already does.

Be clear I’m not advocating discrimination of any sort, but as long as your company promotes and observes legal non-discriminatory employment practices, there’s little you can do about how an employee thinks, and as described, hers is more a case of gossip than discrimination. Why bother saying “she should know better” because of course she does. And that it’s natural that all humans are prejudiced about something or someone(s), is a given. Then there are the studies on gossip that reflect an arc of things about your co-worker’s personality (from dominance levels to stress relief). Who knows what if anything this group (or member) did to her, or whether their ilk actually did merit her wrath (! Not excusing her behavior.). So if it’s not her ignorance or human frailty — and we can’t know the “story” (she tells herself) about this group — then the girl just got on that track where the train goes in a circle. She’s enjoying her own ride, and she can’t get off Destination No Where.

It’s unlikely she’ll hear your concern at this point in her professional development, so I think you could jump right to telling her that you find her talk offensive and/or suicidal given the make up of the peers you describe. Or if you can’t muster that, tell her your parents are converting to religion X so could she please stop talking about them in front of you and your evolved sensibilities?

We all go through different faces and degrees of these sorts of things at some point/arena in our development. Some of us grow up (from the gossiping bit). But not often by others telling us to. And as you can see, you can’t truly legislate acceptance. At the very least tell this already-informed caboose conductor to stop yakking about this in front of you (then make sure you don’t partake in any form when she does), and then stand behind the yellow platform line and see if she finds the brakes or derails.

Next stop, disembark,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

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