Monthly Archives: March 2010

Work Loafer Puts the zzzzzZZ’s in Costanza

Posted on March 29, 2010 | 2 Comments

Maybe there’ll be a rush on glass desks at the Depot. What to do if an employee “goes green” at work by recycling his desk as a napping den.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I supervise this kid (not really, he’s 25) who I caught sleeping under his desk. Yes! He pulled a Costanza at work. When I reprimanded him, he told me midday napping helps build his brain. I was so pissed off, I don’t even know where to start with my real questions! Help me out. — Daycare Supervisor

==

Dear Daycare Supervisor,

I get your disbelief at the audacity, as I had one employee report another for this exact same behavior a while back. I guess I’m naively shocked it’s still happening today, given the job market. This sort of bad decision making just proves: people are still people.

While his comment to you is scientifically true, napping does have a sort of cache-clearing effect on short term memory to allow for better learning of new information, in this context, his smarmy excuse only serves to lengthen the evidence list of his poor decision making. If this employee has exhibited this behavior only once, your verbal warning, an explanation if necessary as to why sleeping is inappropriate in the office, as well as an attempt to hear from him why (not excuse) this behavior occurred, should more than suffice. If it’s a pattern, or escalates to one, give him a written warning with consequences (suspension without pay, firing, etc.). Keep in mind, depending on the product/service environment (i.e., creative, tech, some start-ups), some workplaces have a very loose “policy” around the hours employees work (and rest on premise), so first check with your HR department for your official policy if this sort of cultural norm is cloudy or otherwise eludes you.

Or else, take a deep breath whenever dealing with someone who has a snappy answer even while being disciplined, and realize that he is pushing boundaries — and yours and his officemates’ are at stake here. Workplace morale starts with exhibited behavior — top down. Set the bar where you want it. [And then exercise your best judgment case by case, as even I, Saint BadWitch, have been so exhausted at work I’ve slept behind closed doors, but not habitually.]

Wink, singular,

BadWitch

==

No doubt she’s under that desk sleeping herself! GoodWitch is MIA here today because she is on doula duty…and has been so for the past shift and a half of  the hospital staffers around them. Please join me in sending new mama, papa and baby bears much love, joy and wellness!

UPDATE: Welcome to our latest Fan: Orlando Sean Grace DeLeon, 8lbs 8 oz, 21.75″, of bouncing baby boy! (3.29, 3:27A…sleep..now… http://bit.ly/a7Kb0u)

==

Image @ SodaHead

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Advice, career, life, Life coaching

Tagged , , , , ,

Old Love Letters Spell New Problem

Posted on March 25, 2010 | 3 Comments

Oh oh. You found them. Now what? How much stock should you put in your lover’s ex-lover’s love notes? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife and I have been married 4 years. We’re happy, or so I thought. I accidentally (I swear!) found some old love emails she saved from the a*hole ex- who was pretty abusive, and who she broke up with just before we got together. They were together 5 years. Should I be worried she kept them?  — Haunted Hubby

==

Dear Haunted Hubby,

Sticky bun, you are already worried. Skip straight to asking her directly about them. First be sure to let her know how you discovered them, so she doesn’t have trust issues of you (!). Yours is a sticky situation but it’s one I wouldn’t let go without discussion because you obviously love her – and your fears and insecurities can only snowball in the darkness of ignorance. I can’t imagine anything worse than smacked by a giant icy ball of hard, cold water I rolled myself.

Whether packrats or remotely sentimental, clutter (of all shapes) people hold onto from an over and done with past usually they deeply mean something to them. Oftentimes something unresolved, or something (or emotion) they’re procrastinating about releasing/letting go of. Whether it be an immature hopefulness for someone’s very sweet words that made them feel so good once, but who clearly proved himself to be untrustworthy and abusive, or whether she erroneously thinks no one will ever love her like that again (good!) but at least she had it once, she need(ed) that. She may be intellectually but not emotionally aware that time is over with for her. This allows something unresolved from her past to affect your present together. Your discussion with her ideally will (eventually; if you open this can, you should expect and  allow for a reasonable process, not instant gratification) uncover what that is, so that you can discern whether it is something your relationship can accommodate, improve, get past…or not. …Or maybe she’s simply really bad at Deleting and organizing her files…do ask, don’t assume.

I applaud your courage. Safe and respectful relationships require it, along with empathy and truth.

Give it your best shot,

BadWitch

==

Dear Haunted Hubby,

Well, no one but your wife will ever know for sure. Emails from the past are just that, from the past. Of course, if you find any recent email, this advice would take a very, very different turn. But emails from the past may be nothing more than mementos of where she has been, rather than some longing for bringing it into the present.

My suggestion is to ask about them. Maybe she needs to know that you are feeling uncomfortable about her keeping the old love notes. Let her tell you why she’s kept them. Chances are, either she doesn’t remember they are there or they are reminders of where she has been and where she will never go again. But only she can tell you why she keeps them. And, if do not believe/accept her reasons and feel it is more important for your relationship (and your sanity) that she gets rid of the emails, then ask for that. If she starts to back track or plain refuses to get rid of the email, then, you may have a situation on your hands. But my advice to you is to respect that these old love letters may have more psychological value and less sentimental value for her.

Of course, if you’re accidentally finding these old love letters from her ex-lover is less accidental and more of a lucky strike on an unapproved expedition, you will not be able to clearly ask what is needed, without outing yourself. But, that may be necessary because those haunted thoughts are only going to continue to negatively affect your happy marriage. Seems like the happy marriage already has some ghosts from relationships past. Shine some light on the things left unsaid and put those ghosts to rest once and for all.

Remember, the truth shall set you free. Keep in mind what you have with each other today. Make plans for tomorrow and let the past remain where it belongs—in the past.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, love, relationships, self-improvement, sex, wellness

Tagged , , , , ,

22 & Never Been Employed

Posted on March 22, 2010 | 1 Comment

What to do when your close nephew is unemployed and not doing a thing about it? How much is too much “sharing” to kick his butt in gear to get a job?    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My best friend’s son is like a nephew to me and I’m worried about him now that he’s graduated high school. He obviously has no intention of ever going to college, but won’t get off his butt to get a job (he needs to be a barista, something, just work!) while he’s waiting for his “big job” to land in his lap. He only tried out for one civil service job and is holding out for it. In this market! His single dad won’t push him (out of guilt). I’m genuinely worried for his future, he’s already 22. Where’s the line I can step up to?  — Concerned from the Sidelines

==

Dear Concerned from the Sidelines,

I understand your concern for your friend’s son. Under employment is better than no employment—especially in this economy. But beyond offering good advice, a friendly recommendation or “a good piece of my mind,” as my mother used to say, as a friend of the family, there’s not much else you can do.

I have to agree with you. In this economy, especially, it is important to piece together whatever work you can. We cannot expect to check off the same list the unemployed checked off to find a job in the last two decades. A well-crafted resume, pressed suit and a diploma doesn’t mean a job and a steady paycheck. Under experienced workers need to build up their hirable muscles by taking any employment they can. Yes, even a Barista job counts as experience in customer service, a hallmark on just about every career path.

Employers want to see that your friend’s son has experienced the 9-5 grind, reporting to superiors and managing the expectations of the workplace — whether that’s at a hot dog stand, the local café (which might mean healthcare) or temping in offices. The bottom line is he will look more employable with more experience. And in this market where college grads and well-experienced laid off workers are vying for the same jobs, the competition will very likely send your boy’s resume to the bottom of the stack and out of interview contention before he can say, “Hi, my name is.”

Perhaps, you can suggest to your friend that he give his son a deadline on contributing to the household. I don’t mean full half of expenses, but even something like $300 a month can make a huge difference, in the son’s self-esteem. He needs a reality check about what is expected in the real world. Your friend’s dad may be coddling “out of guilt,” but this may be doing more of a disservice than helping. More and more studies are coming out over how our over-coddled youth are growing into uncertain, unsteady, unrealistic adults, looking for automatic rewards and hand-outs. It’s time to get this kid to open his eyes. The world owes you nothing. In the end, your life is the way you make it and no one else can make it for you.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Concerned from the Sidelines,

The problem with problems like this is the person in question already knows the right thing to do. Doesn’t he? (Now if only more kids today understood they are qualified to take nearly any good job because few to none are beneath their station in life, we’d be making progress.) I feel your frustration of caring for someone more than he seems to care for himself. Sidelines, the fact is you can’t ever “fix” someone but especially one who appears to have very little will to help himself. But if you’re gonna give it one more try…

…given the closeness of your relationships, I’m sure your buddy and his son probably expect some thoughtful words from you on this subject. I’ll tell you what. If absolutely none of the logical reasons you’ve cited to us, no real and scary consequence scenarios and/or suggested job options or job boards take with your Prince Nephew, pull out the big guns and appeal to his 22 years. Tell him he’ll never get any. Darlin’ I’m not suggesting that all women are seeking men for their money or otherwise to provide “security,” but I can guarantee he should care that his total lack of motivation and desire (and at this age!) is no aphrodisiac for a serious girl or a serious party girl, alike. No money no honey is an old adage for a reason.

Lonely and unemployed do not paint a picture of a happy or satisfying future — unless he gets more out of looking at his dad’s stressed out face than you know. I suspect there’s a lot of guilt and shame going on in that household between them, and for a variety of reasons not seen by you. Your supportiveness and good ear may be all you need to offer for the time being.

Keep on working your caring,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.


Share

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Advice, career, de-stress, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, money, relationships, self-improvement

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Responsible Advice and Other GPS Utilities

Posted on March 18, 2010 | Leave a comment

Navigating the world can be a tough act. Sometimes we seek advice as the WD40 for life. How to give good advice and stopping the addiction of hearing yourself speak.  — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Wazup wiotches??!!! Your blog is amazing. I like giving advice too. When I do it for friends, it seems like I always get in trouble later when things go wrong and they yell at me. Wazup with that?! — Scapegoat

==

Dear Scapegoat,

I love you, too, ya lil blamed Capra. And thanks.

“Advice” can be a sharp or blunt tool, depending on who’s doing the wielding. My advice to you: operate yours wisely. Give advice only when asked. Be judicious in over-sharing your personal take as the Right Answer for everyone/-thing. When giving or taking advice, one should always consider the source; non-biased advice borders on being an oxymoron. Given the reaction you report, be extra careful not to advise one friend against another or similar polar-resulting recommendations. In other words, flex and warm-up first, successful advice giving is all in the intention.

A longtime friend of mine read our blog and commented that advice was hearing what you already knew but needed permission to do. That’s true for some folks, others do need help seeking direction or options. The reasons for needing advice are as complex as sometimes giving good words is. Keep that in mind the next time your friends actually ask your for your two cents. Quietly shrug and ask them, “I don’t know. What do you think?” See how that works for ya.

Finally, we write our advice blog as an adjunct to our coaching and e-learning program, and as a way to introduce our point of view. We also genuinely enjoy helping as well as entertaining, and know the difference. Ask yourself why you give advice so freely, Scapegoat?

Sherpa yourself, baby,

BadWitch

==

Dear Scapegoat,

Thanks for the kudos!

Well, you can lead a horse to water…Giving advice is a tricky business. It’s easy to spout off your opinion, but not as easy to detach from the outcome. It’s also easy to tell others how they should roll, but if it’s steeped in critical judgment, it’s can have a harsh backlash.

Do not judge. You may not agree with everything, but remain open—even while giving advice that says “I don’t agree.” Start from a place of acceptance. I don’t expect any of us humans to look at the world, much less upsetting problems, the same way. So I offer information, encouragement and, yes, some Good Witch fairy dust along with good advice. Then, I let it go. I work very hard to not be tied to the outcome. That learning and practice—constant practice—keeps me from being too attached to whether or not someone followed my advice. Because quite often—they don’t.

But all I can say is, don’t take it personally! Giving advice is an offering, not a guarantee of 100% perfect outcome. Do not take responsibility for someone else’s life. That, too, is part of not being too attached. However, if you gave advice that someone followed and it turned out badly, then apologies are in order. Try to stay away from absolute answers—the kind that hold the implied 100% guarantee. Leave room for the unexplored, the unknown, other possibilities and, of course, the querent’s own free will.

My advice to you is to offer your knowledge with love, as well as an open mind and heart. Allow people to live their lives recognizing that no one is obliged to take your advice and you are not responsible for the outcome. Yes, bad advice does deserve an apology. In some cases as it’s as benign as “Oh, sorry that shampoo didn’t work out for you.” But, even if it deserves a more potent apology, remember free will trumps advice in the responsibility scale. In other words, sure Eve could say, “Sorry, Adam, I guess eating the apple wasn’t a great idea.” But in the end, advice or no, Adam decided to take the bite. Free will. He chose. His responsibility.

So, I guess all I can tell you is to keep doing your thing. In the end, we give advice because we want to help. For all the haters, I’m sure you have some cheerleaders too. We can’t help everyone, so just keep doing you. It’s the role of a lifetime!

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Image

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Talk to the Hand! When Politically Correct is Offensive

Posted on March 15, 2010 | 1 Comment

Slowing down a charging bull is tough to do. When peoples’ paces don’t match up in life, it can be a play for disaster to just let people be people. Learning how to deal with others, yourself respectfully.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I was sent to sensitivity training. Why are some people so overly sensitive, and isn’t my freedom of speech being infringed on too? — War of Words

==

Dear War of Words,

All humans think the world is actually as they see it. If only that were true, theoretically, there’d be no disagreements. How boring and uninspired! In our Automatic Stress Reaction (ASR) types quiz, as you describe your recent circusmstances, you’re most likely a primary Fight type. You are straightforward and just want to be heard for your thoughts and contributions. Sometimes other people are overly sensitive to your eyes, but keep in mind you are a bully in theirs. This is human communications.

From your POV, when people’s oversensitivity requires a lot of hand holding, repeated explanations, or heavy politicking (i.e., political correctness of the personal as well as institutional type) just to have a conversation, Yikes2urMutha!, that drives you nuts. This either can pose challenge for you in explaining your point of view effectively without offending and hurting feelings — or that’s your trigger to bully and control more— either way, it only makes you want to yell louder, doesn’t it, Fight? Just because you have 350 hp car, you wouldn’t stomp on the gas up to a drive-thru window where someone who’s actually waiting to take an order from you waits. No matter our ASR type, we each have the power to do something about communication conflicts.

First things here. WOW, next time someone or something is starting to elicit that heart-pounding, neck-tensing, jaw clenching reaction out of you: stop. Just stop and breathe. Fight types can be impulsive so I beg you to suck in huge air, this slows your breathing wayyy down, then breathe evenly and deeply from your belly for a count of 5. Don’t think about anything but your own breathing for this horrifically long count of 5 (normally I’d ask for “10” but know that isn’t going to happen with an ASR types virgin Fight). Just let your body slow down your mind, then calmly ask the other person, “Could you explain what you mean to me more specifically?” or “Go ahead. You go first (to move out of each others’ way),” or otherwise diffuse your boiling hot instinct to reach out and shake someone by the shoulders.

WOW, life’s too short to be constantly nicking down your own ticker’s life span and quality of energy. We preseent deeper ways to deal with the different ASR types effectively, but as ever, getting a handle on your self — body, thoughts and emotions (especially) — is the primary thing, and the only thing any of us can actually control. As we always say in our Less Stress More Life program…

Respond don’t react,

BadWitch

==

Dear War of Words,

You went to sensitivity training, but still do not seem to understand the power of words. Words have the power to turn crowds into mobs. Words have the power to inflict wounds that can take years of therapy to heal. Politically correct speech is not meant to infringe on your freedom of speech. Just the opposite, politically correct speech offers you a broader vocabulary so you can say what you mean without injuring anyone else in the process.

Language is flexible. There are plenty of words to choose from that other people don’t find offensive or abusive. Pick another word. I mean do you really need to hear how words can have a horrible impact? Let’s see, the word “witch” was used to murder women who knew too much in the middle ages. Hitler used words to kill millions in the holocaust. Those “insignificant” words to you are considered slander by many others because those same words have been used to marginalize, objectify and, in many cases, violently oppress the group in question.

Look at history. Humans still use words to mark, objectify and kill women. Words were used to mark, objectify and kill Jews. Words used to mark, objectify and kill blacks. Words used to mark, objectify and kill gay people. Shall I go on? Do you think your ability to spout a few syllables when you can pick another word is more important than the wounds it opens?

Let me be clear, get a thesaurus. Broaden your language and get over feeling so self-important. Children who experience verbal abuse show the impact of those words throughout their lifetimes. The “n” word is still controversial because for some it brings up pictures of “strange fruit” hanging from trees in the South. The impact of words can be felt over generations. So, get back to sensitivity training. Watch the History Channel and get a better sense of how words can injure. Then, get over yourself. Lose the hate words. You’ll still have plenty of others to choose from. Expand your vocabulary. It will be appreciated.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

Share

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Advice, career, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged , , , , , ,

Couple, Activities-rich or Die Tryin’

Posted on March 11, 2010 | 1 Comment

Whether your relationship is seeking a party, His & Her hiking sticks, or a fellow home body can say a lot about you two.      — BadWitch


Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My boyfriend wants us to go out all the time, but I’m happy home with him watching our favorite TV shows off the DVR. Suggestions for compromising please… — Couch Tater

==

Dear Couch Tater,

To love someone isn’t always to like them. “Like” includes tangibles like having things in common, stage of life experiences/-ing, and admiring/enjoying someone’s qualities. Liking a person is often about the experiential – you know, bonding. There are sexy, friendly and intellectual activities — a lot depends on the stage your relationship is at.

Non-defensively, ask you b/f why he wants to constantly go out. If it leans more towards boredom — here’s a thought: boring people get bored — then you suggest alternating shared time together with your interests. But if he is trying to bond with you and you equally want to strengthen your relationship, you might have to make more of an effort in two areas: 1) actually getting up off your comfy booty and venturing outside, and/or 2) realizing men and women bond differently, neither wrong. Men “do” and women “talk” but neither in the same ways with the opposite sex as their own.

Here’s an activity to share together: each come up with a list of your own ideas (cooking class/homework, walk then TV; train or spa together; casual games; a romantic drive; fantasize then detail plan a realistic getaway together…) of fun and games, and then compare the two lists. Cross-reference for any commonalities, discuss to consider crossing off deal breaking no-ways, and then see if a theme emerges from the ones left over on your common list. That’s the thing, darlin’, looking for those commonalities.

Common not ordinary time,

BadWitch

==

Dear Couch Tater,

Suggestions for compromise? Hello are you having some major time management malfunction? At its simplest form compromise in this situation is staying in one day of the weekend and going out the other. Or, like in my world sharing children, split the week in half and alternate weekends.

Come on, if you are two adults you should be able to work this out. “Honey, I don’ feel like going out tonight. Let’s stay in tonight and go out tomorrow instead.” Or “Baby, the big party night feels like Friday to me. Can we set that as blazin’ crazy night and make Saturday movie night?” Say what you need. Listen to what your partner wants. Write down both lists and agree upon where the middle is. He’ll give up Thursday night beer and poker to hang out around the house with you if you will throw on some makeup and a sexy outfit for Friday night on the town.

If our partner refuses to compromise and curb the party night, well, then you have a different issue. If your partner needs to be alcohol and partying to unwind after a long day, then counseling and support for substance abuse may be in order. However, if the issue really is time management and cooperation, if you can’t figure out how to say no to a night on the town or how to ask for your partner to stay in on occasion, your marriage has much bigger issues.

Listen, I understand preferring to be home, on the couch, in your sweats, under a snuggie. But marriage doesn’t mean you won the war and you don’t have to work so hard anymore. You want to stay happily married? Alternate the night on the couch with sexy surprises that suggest there is more fun at home than out in the world. Other nights, ask “where’s the party?” Grab life by the balls—whether it’s staying in or going out. Being a homebody can be fun. Being a hermit shouldn’t last forever, especially if you expect others to stay as shut-ins with you.

So, figure out where center is. Talk honestly and openly. Compromise. Collaborate and keep it fresh.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, love, relationships, spirituality, wellness

Tagged , , , , , ,

Office Plagiarism: Credit Where It’s Due

Posted on March 8, 2010 | 4 Comments

Hearing the words, “You’ve been robbed!” is only acceptable at a recreational ballgame, never in your personal career. What to do when the Idea Elves visited you overnight.    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How do I deal with a work peer who steals a lot of my ideas? He takes credit for my work and I find out after the fact. This has happened twice now.  — Peered Off

==

Dear Peered Off,

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I know firsthand it’s often just flippin’ annoying. Keep your “flattery” to yourself and come up with your own damn ideas! I Get you, Peered. But all ideas aren’t created equally: for those truly original, game-changers you want to protect yourself, but for creative everyday concepts, boundary etiquette might suffice. Furhermore, don’t automatically jump to conclusions but prove you’ve been robbed before taking a more drastic move with management or beyond.

Beware your approach but approach your alleged pickpocket. First, have a plan, a goal. It’s most important here to bring his behavior to light and let him know in no uncertain terms you’re not ok with it. However, getting/taking credit yourself isn’t automatically the ultimate goal in every instance. If the larger group goal is met and served far more than any individual being given credit for a line item idea, then handle your emotions and step off. Weigh this for balance. While some anti-“snitching” cultures do controversially exist, I’m not aware of any culture where it’s ok to steal. In the workplace where a potential consequence is your being held back in some form, theft of your ideas is a double no-no.

Ideas are a dime a dozen — take comfort in knowing it takes real genius (which is not all about the brain power) to know how to bring them to fruition. Some hot ideas are already germinating in the ether and it could be a coincidence rather than a theft of yours (sure!, even twice possibly). People are often subconsciously influenced by thoughts or words they hear, and sometimes unknowingly repeat them as their own (even brainiacs in their fields — see: the Beatles!). Neutrally ask him how he came up with the idea. When? If you need to, take him back and refer to your notes (start keeping them if you don’t already; I date mine without fail) on the idea or when you brought them up in another meeting. Pulling out your documentation during a meeting becomes an option, but one you want to make sure doesn’t make you look like the petty ass. Oftentimes, collaboration is the path to creative solutions. Honor your own boundaries by letting people know consistently (through well-placed word but regular action) to be respected, but pick your battles wisely, and if it makes sense to, bring in the troops.

Be your own anti-theft device,

BadWitch

==

Dear Peered Off,

Plagiarism is a serious charge. But, God knows, it happens—in term papers and the office. Unfortunately you can’t go around copyrighting every thought and even if you could, it may not serve you. Neither will vengeance.

If your co-worker is your boss, well, you have no recourse for the whole taking credit for your brain trust. Think of it as being noticed by the higher ups. It reeks of job security. Recognize how the political system works. Do not compromise your job or your boss’ ego by dropping in a well placed, “That’s what I thought when I came up with it.” It isn’t actually well placed and could relive you of that job security thing. Suck it up. Breathe and wait to share your ideas in a crowded meeting room.

If your coworker is in fact, just a peer, well, then…Again, do not try to upstage with a well placed, “that’s what I thought…” Bide your time, hold your tongue and keep your great ideas to yourself. Share separately and quietly with those involved in hiring and firing and running the department. Perhaps ideas in a well placed memo?  Then, when your buddy decides to plagiarize your thoughts and ideas, the one’s who need to know will already know—without you saying a word.

I will say, document your thoughts. Do not share off the cuff great ideas with this coworker, as clearly this guy is looking for great ideas to take credit for. But, at the same time, this is a balancing act, because sharing ideas for the overall goal of success for the team is necessary for success for the team. Share in collaborative meetings. If these meetings include your coworker who then presents to your boss as “I,” well, then I might drop in a humble but accurate “we” to help your coworker realize that plagiarism and credit stealing is easily done and very much NOT appreciated.

Sadly, your coworker may not even realize the “I” has taken the place of the “we.” But as I said, if it seems fully calculated, set your coworker up for the fall of his (or her) own making. Put the people who should know you are the brain trust in the know.

But, a side note. Be sure that collaborative work is not getting filed under your “I” either. As I said, plagiarism is a serious charge, in or out of the boss’ office.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Advice, career, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Straightening Out Flaming, Gay Friend…Or Not

Posted on March 4, 2010 | 3 Comments

Fire! Don’t yell it in a movie theater, but definitely heed the call if your friend is screaming it loudly whenever you two are out. Love your bitches like you wanna be loved.   — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a friend who I love dearly and unconditionally. The problem is when we go out, he acts even more (stereotypically) gay than he normally is! It can be funny for a while, but then I get embarrassed for him. I don’t know why he needs this kind of attention. — Loud & Proud Friend

==

Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

I’m not sure how to answer this question. I mean, on the one hand, I understand the annoyance of friends who have “party personas” that come out whenever groups of 4 or more gather — especially when alcohol is added. But, I also can’t help but remember Roger, the fabulously gay husband in the remake of The Stepford Wives. Roger’s partner loved Roger’s flamboyant ways until he had the ability to change him into a Brooks Brothers wearing politician.

Are you missing your friend and thoughtful communication when you are out and about or are you looking for a way to shape him into more of your idea of who he should be. Either way, you can’t really control how someone chooses to present themselves to the world. Whether you decide to share your concerns or not, acceptance is key here.

If your “embarrassment” is actually for yourself because in public he seems beyond the boundaries of respectable behavior, say nothing. Then it’s your issue, not his. Your friend’s coming out when going out may be his own flag waving of independence. In which case, again, let it be.  Again, accept. He is who he is. If you are so embarrassed by his behavior, perhaps you should reduce how often you two go out together.

If you honestly believe your friend’s “party persona” is a mask he wears to hide in plain sight, then as his friend, you should have a heart-to-heart conversation. Let him know that you love, appreciate and respect him, however, you’ve noticed his need to over-compensate as the chandelier swinging fun boy when you are out. Let him know there is no need. He’s amazing as he is and has no need for over-compensating. Realize, however, that change doesn’t happen overnight. Also, reminding him of his over acting every time you go out may abruptly end your hang time. Most people do not want to party with their mother.

Either way, you can’t change how another person acts. You can only choose to accept or deny. Even if your friend is working on this “party persona,” realize lasting change takes time. Love and acceptance through the process, builds deep, lasting friendships. And remember, embarrassment is just on the other side of acceptance if you take the effort to make the journey. Watch The Bird Cage again. It will help.

Good Luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear Loud & Proud Friend,

Not sure for whom “this kind of attention” is a problem for here… Darlin’ ask anyone who knows me daily, I always say about adjustments made in life: The pendulum never swings to the middle. Gay or straight, male or female, young or old, when we’re growing/changing, trying to find ourselves, or trying to feel comfortable showing our truest selves in public — face it, we’re all exactly the same: flawed human cupcakes. This fragility/frailty is just that, human. Even the most comfortable-in-her/his-skin and confident person, at minimum once in her/his life felt like a fake or that s/he had to act out to “come back home.”

Be happy knowing your friend knows he can act (another of those key words) his best and worst around you, and that means he knows he has your acceptance and you have his back. It’s often toughest to tell the ones we love they crazee!, or straight up assholes. Do your friend, yourself and your relationship a favor by letting him know (when he’s not acting out, drunk or otherwise not “himself” as you know him 9 of 10 times) that in your opinion, you think he’s better than he acts/treats himself at these times, and ask him if it’s ok if you poke him in the arm when he does it in real time. But be prepared if he tells you to f-off because he feels fine with  his flaming behavior, or doesn’t know what you’re talking about, etc. Let it go (and I’m taking face value facts at your word here). The girl ain’t ready. There’s one more in-between possibility, maybe that flamer is who he really is, and he’s acting when he’s toning himself down in the every day (ask yourself what does he do for a living, or what does your town look like?). In that case, just tell him with a wink that you’ve got his fire extinguisher — when he calls you for a friend 9-1-1 intervention — but in that instance for gawd’s sake, if you’re a true friend, don’t try to change him because he makes you feel uncomfortable!

LYMI!,

BadWitch

==

Image, Till Krech

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement

Tagged , , , , ,

Socializing Co-workers: Peer Pressure

Posted on March 1, 2010 | Leave a comment

You already spend most of your waking life with these people at the office. Now they want you to wh-what?!, hang out with them outside it, too? Is it peer pressure or spirit-scoliosis that’s got you down?    — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — Too much peer pressure at work. I get invited to geeky events I have no interest in but everyone goes to. How do I get out of things nicely without shooting myself in the foot in case I need their help on the job?  — To Go or Not Go

==

Dear To Go or Not to Go,

Well, my first question is, how do you like your co-workers? Do you think they are “geeky” or are they all right people? My guess is not all the events are horrific life-sucking events. Pick your battles.

If you are interested in pursuing this career choice, and a large number of co-workers in your field are interested in these events, this isn’t just socializing. It’s work research. How your co-workers spend their time will affect your product…or the next products down the line. You have the opportunity to get the inside scoop on the interests, research and influences of the people in your profession. If, say, you are in advertising or software production, such influences are a snap shot of trends coming down the line. Does this mean you need to be at each and every event to get the 411. Of course not, again, pick your battles.

You seem to work at a close-knit workplace. Communing with your co-workers on occasion may also help your standing in the office. By extending relationships beyond the boundaries of the office, you have the opportunity to get to know people on a more personal level. Think Survivor. Alliances are good. Plus, you may just find an inside joke may make your workday just a little more fun. You, of course, need to draw the boundary line of how much extra-curricular tie you spend with your co-workers. I’m suggesting that maybe once a month would not hurt your career path, enjoyment in the office or relationships at work.

That is unless you call them “geeky” to their face. Be nice. If you just take them as they are and attempt to forego judgments, maybe they won’t pass judgments on you. And even if you think you’re perfect and above reproach, know that that idea is fully mockable. Breathe. Set your boundaries and go play once in a while. It won’t hurt.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

==

Dear To Go or Not Go,

We Americans are friendly and like to tell others to “Smile!” It’s some sort of national personality marker we are collectively comfortable with. [If you think everyone around the world is like this because how else would you be?, get on a plane and check out what I’m saying, you nice, friendly turista.] When it comes to the workplace rather than personal choice outings, this can be tough on individuals who are naturally shy or just would rather be alone. In the office, as in most of the Real World, balance is usually the best marker to shoot for.

Take a cue from the Wisdom of the Cube. Cubicle walls, that is. Management puts them up for reasons other than just questionable taste and cost/space savings. They were originally meant to give a modicum of privacy while giving peers psychological access to each other (you know, team building), while helping you focus, all towards the company’s work at hand. To me, that sounds exactly like ideal level of sociability you should attempt to achieve at work.

In the office there are two criteria for successfully negotiating social situations: 1) your natural sociability personality, and 2) individual event’s importance to your career climbing. With Number 1, extremes of being totally withdrawn and private, nor a Stage 5 gregarious, outgoing happy neighbor, will serve your best interests. Once you come to terms and then some balance with your natural comfort level (by understanding yourself and then making a commitment to push yourself outside of that box once in a while), you’ll want to learn apply that little extra you (if you’re shy) or a little more toned down (if you’re super social) effort to be a better version of you. Why is pushing yourself to come to balance important if you don’t care about your job? It’s not, but given this economic climate, I assume even the least ambitious worker bee would want to keep their best foot forward to keep their every day on the job as pleasant and easy as possible (in other words, ease and grace help staying employed less of a job).

Then Number 2, where you will have to learn, if you don’t already know, which social invites are purely for personal pleasure and which are meet and greets and/or other career-building opportunities (a key word). Go to the best work ones (they usually have the best food and drink, at the very least!) and pick and choose which personal pleasure ones you care to attend. For those that you still consider “geeky events (you) have no interest in,” also learn how to clearly and nicely state that to your inviters’ faces.

What are you over and done with (maybe groupie (geekster to singers!) clubbing/partying, or even religious-inclined outings)? What environments (people, places, or situations) are you not willing to participate with/in? Identify what does and doesn’t work for you, your values, and state your boundaries clearly , do it with an open and friendly tone. Accepting/rejecting and getting invited to events rarely, ironically, have anything to do with you personally on any valid level…it’s how we spin them that gives them any power over us.

Still…it ain’t all rocket science ,

BadWitch

==

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

© 2009-2017 ManifestGroup. No materials may be used without expressed written permission.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice, career, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged , , , , , , ,