Tag Archives: happy

Dating Chat, Scared Bambi

Posted on October 28, 2010 | Leave a comment

When easy peasy natural chat reveals attraction and real date interest, deer in headlights syndrome can ensue. Dimming those high beams and safely crossing the road to fun. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — This is a dating question I think. When I meet new guys, I’m really relaxed and friendly and they ask me out because I’m pretty. My problem is I freeze up with the ones I really like when I realize its now a date kind of thing, and not just a chat up about nothing. Giveme some advice on how to relax and not change myself when I’m dating and not just being friends. — Dating Doe

Dear Dating Doe,

I think you’re onto something subconsciously because I’m not sure this is strictly a dating question, either. Do you feel like you have performance anxiety around other situations you assign importance to, like presentations or public speaking, or maybe tests if you’re still in school? Don’t just blow it off with an easy ‘no’ because your mind is primarily on the dating. Think about it and look for any patterns you may have.

When and if you do identify that you place more value over some situations than similar but less formal others (i.e, you are an A or B student at a subject but test at B- or C level frequently), then you could benefit from learning to let go of perfectionism and start practicing going with the flow and even — gulp! — “failing” a few times. Get the feel for Nike-ing it more often in life, and release yourself from the pressure of reacting like you have to turn in opening night-level Broadway performances all the time. Don’t stall (or reject) yourself when you realize you’re standing in the starting gate. If you feel you are likable and fun when you’re not trying to impress a guy, then try not impressing the next few, and pretend you’re chatting up an old familiar friend. This works equally well for tests, work presentations and public speaking, but you have to practice being yourself. To be comfortable in your own skin, you have to understand before you can own who you are.

Buddha say Relax,

BadWitch

Dear Dating Doe,

OMG! That’s so cute!

OK, I totally get it, but why is it you know you are pretty, have a good rapport with guys in general and freak when you like them. Why would you suddenly decide you need to change who you are or act differently just to be liked? Here’s the deal, when you are just feeling friends with a guy you have no issues, right? You feel like you can be yourself and comfortable, because the balance of power feels even.

Now, then you decide you like a guy, seem to shift all the power over to him and then freak yourself out trying to be the kind of girl he will like. WHAT? He already likes you cause you were that cute, confident girls. Be yourself. That is what will attract him to you. But more importantly, take some time to check him out. Does he have what it takes to hang with you? Does he appreciate your sense of humor (key), your quirkiness and your goofy side? Realize that he must. If your relationship is going to make it past the first couple of dates, you have to be honestly yourself with him.

Take a deep breath. Realize he may not be the one, but he has a lot to teach you about being you in relationships. Decide to trust yourself enough to know you have an infinite amount of appeal by just being you. Then make the decision to trust him with seeing the whole you. That is the scary part. You must trust that this guy will see you and remain a gentleman. You must trust that he will not make you feel bad about who you are. But you know what? Even if he does, you are blessed! Because now you know this dude isn’t worth the time of day. You can kick him to the curb and keep rolling.

You have much to offer and by your question, I say at least part of you knows that. Let that part lead in this new world. Challenge yourself to show up for yourself like never before. Let yourself by seen so you can finally feel like you are a fully known quantity in a relationship. It will be freeing. It will be magnificent. It will be you, showing up as you for you.

Mantra: I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and I am awesome just as I am. I will be me for me, so that I can feel comfortable and seen in all my relationships. I will not hide to be liked. I am liked because I am free to be me.

Deep breath. Remember you rock. Now go,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, love, relationships, self-improvement, sex, spirituality, wellness

Tagged balance, chatting, comfortable in your skin, dating, emotions, friendship, fun, happy, joy, life, love, owning you, relationships, relaxing, self-mastery, skills, stage of life, understanding yourself

Booster Shot: Team Building Fun

Posted on October 18, 2010 | 2 Comments

Not all team building activities need be forced, formal or make eyes roll. Having fun in the office together builds healthy bonding and productivity. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — What can I do to boost the morale of my team? I’m a supervisor who’s more hands-on with face time than our department manager who travels a lot and I know I can have her blessing if I present solid ideas. We actually have a pretty strong rapport but I want to keep them happy and engaged. Do you have any non-monetary ideas for a busy professional but not corporate environment. — Booster Shot

Dear Booster Shot,

I take your question seriously, but I think it’s cute. Make sure you do this more for your team’s morale than your own popularity and/or advancement, and whatever you do will be a sure-fire winner. The main suggestion I have for you is to put yourself in your team’s collective shoes and think like it does on most days. You know better than me what your professional environment is like and will/can tolerate, and more importantly…could use more of. So I say: make it fun, make it low-key and don’t over-think the thing — the more natural and spontaneous, the better. We used to improvise water bottle bowling with a random Nerf ball. We threw up a tape of something or other, spanning between a cubicle wall and the actual wall and limboed under it (be careful; those of us who participated were fit and not litigiously minded). Another of my offices consisted of several music lovers, so maybe something around a music trivia game would have been fun. Whatever we did, we did spontaneously, had a blast, and I never had to actually tell people (who only participated if they needed and wanted to) to get back to work, which they did willingly, refreshed, refocused and more productively than ever. After all that some people will need to hear this: yes, we booked multi-million dollars of business in this atmosphere. Occasional informal communal silliness can be a breath of fresh air especially in an office with windows that don’t open!

Group “hug,”

BadWitch

Dear Booster Shot,

I love where your head is at! In this economy some managers completely forget the importance of boosting team morale for best product output. You have no idea how many people I’ve heard from who complain about bosses and managers threatening them, rather than inspiring best work. Kudos to you!

OK, that said, answering your question, your attitude and wanting a warm, cooperative work environment has already gone a long way towards creating that environment. People can feel whether a manager is invested and willing to give back or not. Your willingness helps foster willingness in your employees.

Now, to keep that moving without capital investment, ask for feedback. Creative juice meetings designed for feedback on current projects or upcoming projects will help your staff to feel like valued members of the team. There is nothing worse than feeling like another meaningless cog in the wheel. When asked to participate with ideas and input on company projects, staff feel needed and important members of the team with something to offer. That is the best way to keep them invested.

Also, strangely enough food works wonders for making folks feel appreciated. I know, you want a no financial investment idea, but I gotta tell you, Friday morning bagels are a cost effective way to say, “You are appreciated.” It’s not something you need to do regularly, just a once in a while, “thanks for working so hard” gesture. And, further surprise, you’ll get much office gratitude for the food and the appreciation.

You know Booster Shot, I just have to say, you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work! (Felt good, right? Well, I meant it. Now pass that sentiment on to staff in the moment when they deserve it. They’ll feel it too.)

Mantra: My attitude affects work from the top down. If I am invested, appreciative and supportive of my staff, I inspire my staff to be invested, appreciative and supportive of the team and our work environment.

Great job,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Advice, career, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged balance, boss, career, focus, friendship, fun, happy, job, joy, life, productivity, relationships, success, support, team building, work, workplace

Spine Stiffener: Assertiveness Training

Posted on September 16, 2010 | 4 Comments

Does being quiet automatically mean you’re wimpy or weak? Definitely not! But when you habitually silence your own inner voice, it’s time to reassess. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m somewhere between going with everyone else’s flow too much, and not stating my mind often enough…I don’t consider or feel like I’m a doormat… How do I feel heard more often without being a bitch? — Quiet Not Shy

Dear Quiet Not Shy,

First off, you’re not crazy nor alone in the world. Here’s what we similarly told Speaking Up for Myself a while back:. There’s no “bitch” in speaking your mind fittingly, but there usually are plenty in those who don’t appropriately do so then choose to gossip instead.

Cupcake, age/stage does make a difference here. Anyone who knew me after junior high, would now likely be shocked to hear I was a very quiet kid. Like you, I wasn’t shy. I was just observing and sort of “getting the lay of the land.” There’s much to be said for understanding and respecting one’s own energy level(s) and allowing for your own flow. One size does NOT fit all. Our culture approves of extroverts but it is not the only way to go. Secondly, how do people treat you? If it’s with respect, then I say you probably only need to practice joining the conversation more until people (and then you yourself) start “asking your opinion.” Babble. Review. Repeat. Appropriately expressing your inner voice is a muscle to be trained. No worries here. BUT if you feel that you are not being respected more often than not, and by many types of people across the board in many life situations, then you must definitely work on being heard more often for your soul and psyche’s sakes.

The dissed and unhealthily silent would probably do well to get to know themselves better to start with (i.e., journaling and/or therapy are options). Then identifying what (emotional) people and situation triggers are possibly keeping one submissive and passive are a first key to disempowering them from within. Trite but true: practice (speaking up) makes perfect.

Thinking aloud allowed,

BadWitch

Dear Quiet Not Shy,

You said a mouthful! There is a balanced position that allows for the natural flow of events (and personalities) while allowing you to steer your own ship. What do I mean? I mean that there is a way of being—standing tall— that does not negate your easy-going spirit. Or turn you into a bitch or a doormat.

Note: Half of being heard is expecting to be listened to—with respect. Take an attitude with altitude.

Now, that being said, don’t let ego take over. One does not expect to be listened to because one is pretty, a princess, sweet, lovable or any other number of manipulative, emotion contorting words that allows a smile to get you through. Expect to be listened to because you know you have something worthy to share. Expect others to want to hear your wisdom, ideas, thoughts. Know within yourself that you are worthy.

Then, clear your throat. Be assertive. The first few times you willingly share your POV you will not necessarily feel confident. Shaky, step forward and offer the words anyway. Of course, since the pendulum never swings to the middle that shaky tone could come out harsh or loud or, well, bitchy. And so it is. You just have to allow for swinging too far right and left before you find the balance. But balanced, comfortable communication in which you feel heard and respected, is not only possible, but necessary.

As you manage forward, feeling your way to say what must be said, do not judge yourself for your range of emotions and do not judge others for reacting defensively. You are manning up and some folks won’t be comfortable with you changing your position as “Easy Going Girl.” Do it anyway. If you are consistent in your new personal power and respect other’s boundaries — but not more than your own — others will come around, respecting you for lengthening your spine and out-growing the wimpier disposition.

For those who don’t get it, well, thank them for showing their true colors early. You do not need people in your life who only want to play with others they perceive as weaker. They’re called bullies and by definition, they don’t play well with others. Leave them to play with themselves.

Holla!

GoodWitch

Image: Street Artist Meek

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness

Tagged assertive, assertiveness training, balance, boundaries, confidence, emotions, empathy, happiness, happy, life, relationships, self-esteem, skills, stage of life, truth

Anti-social Kid, Worried Parent

Posted on July 7, 2010 | 4 Comments

Most parents always want what’s best for their kids. Most kids just want their parents to leave them alone…but not too far. Staying INvolved, while Keeping Out! — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …What’s (considered) anti-social? My daughter who is in junior high gets good grades, has friends, but is often home alone. She gets asked to activities but says she’s not a belonger. Should I insist she go to at least one social outing a month? …I get her every other week. — Worrywart Parent

Dear Worrywart Parent,

From your description, your daughter doesn’t sound anti-social but well-adjusted and independent. If you are strongly worried, get feedback from her teachers/counselor that this is also their perception. This is cute to me —she sounds like she’s a Solo Sammie in training. Again, you say her grades and psyche aren’t suffering and at her age, those are the biggest indicators of trouble or peace. Ongoing, keep an eye on her progress; teens’ moods and perceptions can be like the wind.

Just a suggestion, you may be more concerned about your scheduled time with her than her own social time spent. Check yourself for any possible competition (including with your ex-), insecurities and legitimate concerns as a parent, and just work not to project them onto your daughter. Check in regularly and work with her other parent so you two are on the same page about your child as much and often as possible. Let your daughter know that you are absolutely fine (but only if this is true) with who and how she is by taking an active interest and asking appropriate (to situation as well as for privacy) questions and making sure you continue to know (and probably vetting is a good idea at this age most especially) her friends. Don’t just assume they’re all like her; participate from the periphery of her social circle.

For pete’s sake, insisting a middle school teen do anything is a sure-fire recipe for non-compliance (rebel or not; jeesh, how long’s it been, Worrywart?). Make a few activity suggestions now and then based on observing her actual interests and inclinations, but if she opts out, leave her be.

Knock first,

BadWitch

Dear Worrywart Parent,

It sounds like you need to learn more about how your daughter is feeling about her classmates and the people who are inviting her to activities. If she does not feel like she can be herself in order to belong to the group, she may be opting out as an act of self-expression/self-preservation. It could also be that she has some negative feelings associated with these folks and so chooses to remain alone rather than join in.

My friend’s daughter has similar “alone” tendencies. This weekend, even in the middle of a picnic full of kids, she walked up to me to say she didn’t wan to play with any of the kids there. After a couple of questions, “Do you not like the games they’re playing?” “Are you not getting along with someone?” “Did you think someone was being mean to someone else or to you?” “What do you want to do ideally if you could do anything in the world?”

It came out that she was a little tired, not in the mood to be nice and preferred hanging with adults. She is an only child, so she is no stranger to the company of adults. For her adults pay attention to you and expect to take on the responsibilities of erecting boundaries, keeping you safe and making sure everyone plays nice. In short, she just wanted some time off from being a “big girl.”

Find out what makes your daughter happy. Is she into painting, roller derby, bag pipes? I mean, find the activity that makes her want to join in and then find the group that is doing it. Tailor the group around her interests. If you find the group that is interested in the things she likes and doing the things she likes, she’ll probably become more of a “belonger.”

Have faith Mommy. And take some time to meditate (a.k.a. daydream) of your daughter happy with friends. See them playing and talking. Look at her with the magical eyes of all you see she is capable of being. The more you can see her that way, the more you shift the energy and the room for her to be more social.

Have faith,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Advice, de-stress, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, relationships

Tagged anti-social, balance, boundaries, emotions, empathy, family, happy, kids, life, parents, relationships, school, skills, stage of life, support

Sugar Mama Packin’ Lunch Snacks, Nutrition Facts

Posted on April 8, 2010 | Leave a comment

What? Are healthy-only snacks the new black on playgrounds? With more communities becoming aware of and educated about the importance nutrition’s role for kids, is today’s insidious image-conscious peer pressure extending to lunchboxes? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I love my children more than anything in the world. I would never do anything to endanger them or their health, and we’re omnivores living in Berkeley the home of the health conscious and PC. I pack their lunches with pretty kid-friendly healthy foods and a treat. My 12 year old daughter has been reporting her friends have been harassing her (like peer pressure over sugar and fats) about these treats which depending on a lot of things, can be anything from a bag of regular chips, a small candy bar, or cookies. What can I do? Packing them helps her eat the good stuff without blinking and I believe she still wants them no matter what her weight conscious friends say. I know this is childhood, but I don’t want any of my kids to suffer needlessly. What do I do? — Lunchbox Mama

Dear Lunchbox Mama,

Really? Is she sure they’re not just trying to guilt her into sharing her booty of goodies with them? They who are otherwise deprived of sweets and all the tastes that round out and make for a happy childhood? I would think she’s the bomb and Ms. Congeniality 1 and 2 among her peers with her stash of luck you so thoughtfully (and I agree in your balanced view of eating — steadiness not depravation help avoid binge eating) pack for her — but if the kids (especially girls) at her school are hyper weight and image conscious (which starts in our society younger and younger; studies show age 9 girls now diet en masse), please address that by consistently helping her with (self-)appreciation of beauty in all sizes.

…but as you live in an often dogmatic city like Berkeley…my playground-jungle city girl mind jumps right back to her friends/peers trying to take a bite of some forbidden high fructose from her. You might suggest she judiciously share her snacks as she sees fit (kids always know who’s what), start a “treats trading club,” and/or otherwise start learning to worry less what other people think about her (Berkeley mom), and focus more on doing right by her own values. If she opts for the first and second, you might beneficially arm her with some take-away (not take-out) nutrition facts about all the lunch items you pack: which are good carbs, how there are health-friendly sugars and even the “bad” ones in controlled moderation are fine for most people, and good fats are necessary for a growing (and everyone else’s) body’s healthy development.

Maybe her “reporting” is being misinterpreted by you as harassment. Maybe your daughter is actually proud of the attention these lucky snacks are getting her. Ask her how her friends’ comments make her feel, and then pack more guidance and clear-eyed support of both her nutrition and social and problem-solving maturation processes.

A wellness first sweet-toother,

BadWitch

Dear Lunchbox Mama,

In the land of grilled tofu sandwiches with a side of veggie chips, potato chips and candy are both coveted and hated. But, you’re OK, Mama. Small treats are all about balance. And all sugar and fats are not alike.

Remember the 70’s when we were told margarine (yes, hydrogenated oils and all) were better for us that that nasty, all natural butter. Well, we know differently now. All things in balance. A little butter, a little olive oil is good for you. Have you seen Sophia Loren lately?

First off, dark chocolate is good for blood flow and increases serotonin in the brain, you know the hormone that makes you happy. In fact, some research says it increases or mimics oxytocin in the system. Oxytocin is the hormone that allows you to feel loved and connected. Mothers and babies experience it during breastfeeding. Ever see how blissed out milk-drunk babies are after breast feeding?

Visit Trader Joe’s . An excellent selection of chips and cheese puffs made with all natural ingredients and less oil. Dark chocolate covered shortbread cookies and other treats that mange to combine whole grains and/or nuts with chocolate. That’s right, happy hormones with a little protein on the backside to make the god mood and the energy last—right through the draggy afternoon classes. Treats that don’t dent the sweetness or the spice of life are important—especially for middle school girls!

Arm your daughter with knowledge about the nutritional benefits of her food. Middle school girls have enough obsession around food and weight to create more drama around food. Give her the wisdom how to eat well and balance the veggies with the treats of life. There is nothing wrong with indulging. Remember how nutty Solieri http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086879 went after denying himself ? Remember how he gorged himself in some areas of his life because he denied himself so harshly in others?

You get it, Mama. I’m preaching to the choir. Keep packing the good balanced lunches. Now, give yourself and your daughter the knowledge that will empower you, your daughter and your choices. Give her the tools to speak up against the bullying. And let’s be serious, if you can’t just eat what you like to eat without being judged and ridiculed, you are being bullied to think a certain way and act a certain way. It doesn’t matter if that fanatical need to control comes from the right or the left—it’s still bullying.

Keep Packin’,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your FREE brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice, family, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, wellness

Tagged balance, body image, happy, health, kids, life, lunchbox, school

Roomie Respect! Vegan vs. Smoking Cocktail Swiller

Posted on January 25, 2010 | 14 Comments

In this corner weighing in at no animal protein products, ittttt’s Vegan Vitto! In this corner defending titleholder, Glam & the City! Can roomies with seemingly conflicting lifestyles live successfully under one landlord? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I have a new roomie who’s really nice but is a total vegan and yoga nutcase. I like to drink, smoke my ciggies, and eat out (I don’t do drugs). We get along just fine, but I don’t think we approve of each other’s lifestyles. Can a veghead and a smoking carnivore get along under the same roof? — War of the Roomies Avoider

Dear Roomie war avoider,

How the heck did you two come together? It can sometimes be tough enough to live with people we love, share commonalities with…but I know when it comes to making the rent, we can do a lot more than we’d guess, if we set our minds and grit to it. Here’s what comes to mind immediately:

• Set some house rules – most especially around food storage and other territorial netherlands. Start with comparing your separate deal breaker lists, and working down to the Would Likes. Oh and of course you may find you can live together under one roof, but you will have to smoke somewhere else, most likely.

• Be respectful as you wanna be respected – this includes a brief and mutual head/life re-orienting time; check in weekly on progress and to air concerns (your case has high potential for stuffing feelings down, don’t). If you do the above robustly, this part should come more naturally for both of you — but I would do definitions here, like, “When I say X, I mean (fill in the blank specifically as you can articulate each).”

• Share an outing – If you can successfully navigate #s 1 and 2 above, Pass Go and Collect $200 by trying to see if you can come up with and share an easy, low maintenance outing like a coffee/green tea, a walk, or even eating out. This civility is only meant to help shine light on the commonalities of your lives towards lessening the differences. If you two become actual friends, even better!

Hmm, you kinda have a lot of potential for cool and expanding experience here. If you both consistently focus on that as being a mutual goal — and do the work — your communications will likely come smoother, less haltingly mindful, and eventually easier. Learning how to communicate and live with people we’re different from on the surface could even begin to teach us how to be more at home with truest selves…whoa, now that’s cool.

Strawberry fields forever,

BadWitch

Dear War of the Roomies Avoider,

What can I say, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.” I realize that your two lifestyles are very different, but judging one another is not the way to peaceful cohabitation. I also realize that some deep personal beliefs may come into play, but in the end, we are all just trying to get through this life thing. Making your roomie wrong because of seemingly austere vegan ways is not the way.

RESPECT! Respect does not mean expecting others to bend their wills to fall in line with what you believe is the best way to live your life. Respect is allowing for each person to be as they are and finding, if not acceptance, then understanding. For instance, perhaps out of respect for your roommate’s virgin lungs, you might smoke your ciggies outside. You will not only be happy for a fresher, less second-hand household. I understand the aroma of cooking beef or chicken, while delightful to some, might be trying for a vegan. Your roommate, should respect your need to cook your food in your shared kitchen, though I suggest separate pans. These are just uncomfortable bits of undefined boundaries. Work out the rules of the house so you can move on to amicably.

So, I guess what I’m saying in a very motherly tone is, “Work it out!” I should not need to come to your house to show you how to compromise effectively. Apparently, you both signed on for this cohabitation, knowing what you were getting into. Why now the judgments? Why the disdain for exercise and rigid eating habits? Why the condescension for indulging in life’s bounty? You two need to have a good, cold-hard-facts-on-the-table discussion. Work out the boundaries of you respectful compromise and get back to the business of the “who’s really nice,” you started off with.

The Vegan is no more of an exalted human because he/she does not eat any part of an animal’s flesh. You are no less of a human because you may choose to have a cigar with brandy after a nice steak. We are all spirits in this 3-D existence with our own karma and lessons to learn. We do not know what you or your roommate is intended to learn in this life. Who are you to judge the path before the other? Every human is not alike, though every human is equal in the eyes of God. The trappings and “story” we have concocted around our lives means little in the grand scheme of things. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, you know it is the loss of the spirit, the communing, the relationship that echoes loudest—not what would have ordered at a restaurant.

As I say to my own children when bickering is just easier than being respectful, “Get over it before other people start treating you that way.” You two seem to be in the throws of teaching each other the wrong things. Have an honest, respectful conversation, agree to some respectful boundaries and get on with the peaceful cohabitation.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Image, DrummaKween @ flickr

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

→ 14 Comments

Posted in Advice, de-stress, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness

Tagged balance, boundaries, focus, happy, home, life, money, relationships, rules

Time Out, Mister! How to Play

Posted on October 1, 2009 | 1 Comment

Sometimes we responsible, mature adults just get so inundated with life – there’s no time to breath. As usual BadWitch asks the tough questions, “But what about me?” Parent hard, live hard. Play hardly…?… Play is very serious healthy medicine, Mr. Man. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m a single parent stressed too much with too much to do still How do I chill out?! — Brillo Pad Bernie

Dear Brillo Pad Bernie,

Apparently you don’t even have enough free time to punctuate! I’m a thinker and I think the biggest problem with thinking is that we all tend to think too much. What’d you think about what I’m thinking here? Honey, if you continue to keep your clock so tightly wound, you’ll boinnng! a spring and end up cuckoo, all right. Play, playing, playfulness are all part of staying healthy. Play for your health.

Bernie silly wabbit, remember that getting your fun, kicks and joy out ain’t just kid stuff, it’s for serious, bill-paying, job-working, parenting, dating, commuting large-sized kids, too. If this is just too much of a gear shift for busy, active, no-time-for-yourself you, then don’t stop and get playing now! Drop and give me 10 right where you are, soldier. Ten minutes of straight up fun, on the floor with your kids rolling around, at the kitchen table drawing and scribbling nonsense, mudpie-making, at the park swinging and climbing monkey-style. If you must keep it all Big, Tom Hanks, go run at the beach, hike a hill, ride a bike or just pop wheelies then…go home. Bernie, play isn’t brain surgery (but it’s soo good for the brain from producing happy hormones to building neurons and synapse connections that stave off things like, gulp!, mind fog to dementia), even stressed out single parents used to having absolutely no time on their hands can do it. Build it into your daily routine for and when you’re by yourself, with your kids, and even at the store (run-push then ride your cart!). Virtually everything can be turned into a game (and coming up with “How” ‘til you get the hang of it again) — includes figuring out How Bernie Plays.

Maybe you just need to Channel Justin Timberlake to get your sexy back. Are you still here? You’ve cleaned your room, plate and done your homework — now go outside and play! Less Stress More LIFE.

Get your happy on,

Dear Brillo Pad Bernie,

Yours is not a new story, sadly. Being a parent in today’s non-stop-need-it-now-instant-gratification world can be overwhelming, but you’ve got to take time to play.

The first thing to do is know that perfection is not possible. Something must give way for other things to get done.

I tried my damndest to keep my house clean, kids fed, food in the fridge, work delivered on time and laundry up to date. I drove myself crazy and became more than a little frumpy because there was no actual time left for me to hang out with my kids or myself, for that matter. I would give up sleep so I could get more done and have some personal time. I was on the burn-out express.

Instead I learned to trade off. I could do the dishes immediately after dinner or I could hang out with my kids. I could stay up and do laundry or I could take some quite time for myself and get to bed at a decent hour. Eventually everything has to get done, but trading off the time to give you time to breath is of the most importance. In the end, if you are laid up sick, who takes care of the kids? Who takes care of the caregiver?

It’s time to remember how to play. Start by taking the kids to the park and instead of watching them or talking to the other parents, play. Go swing or chase the kids around in a game of tag. You’ll laugh. You’ll get exercise. You’ll free up your spirit and renew your energy levels and focus for the work yet to be done.

You can lay by inviting a few select fellow parents out for a night of dancing and, yes, drinking. Remember going out? You’ll all be renewed in energy, enlivened in spirit and shaking your groove thing before you know it.

Playing frees up your creativity and allows you some time to replenish your spirit. And if you don’t make an effort to replenish, you lose out on the best anti-aging serum in the Universe. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not ticked off a to do list. Face it, the meaningful moments of life usually cannot be found on a to do list. The meaningful moments in life happen when you are living. So, Live. Eat Happy and PLAY!

Love Life,

GoodWitch

image, CarolineBenzel, Photobucket

Juicy Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Advice, de-stress, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged family, happy, health, life, play

What a Strange and Bumpy Road Trip It Can Be

Posted on May 7, 2009 | Leave a comment

curvyroad When planning a trip, the best way is to Map it and study the route, get in the car and drive directionally. Sometimes we find obstacles on the road that delay our arrival, but we either wait it out, or find an alternate route to get to our destination. It is a rare trip that goes uncompleted, and usually, as we find out in hindsight, because we weren’t really supposed to go there. Map it, commit to your route and direction, pack provisions, gas up, and…get in the car and…steady as you go. See you there. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW – I am a single parent raising three children. I got laid off 6 months ago and have still not found a job. Unemployment benefits definitely help, but my savings are basically gone to keep gas in the car and food on the table. How am I supposed to keep going when nothing is working for me? How do I hold on when there is nobody else to hold onto? — On the Edge, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Edgy,

If you’re down flat on the ground and want to hoist yourself up, the best way is to be lighter for that task is by thinking “up.” I’m not talking positive, up with people-thinking like ‘Don’t worry, be happy,’ but rather right thinking. Directionally. Up. Focus on the right things.

You have been gifted with three kids, a car and a table to eat at. Focus on the tasks each day, the direction you are determined to move yourself and family towards. Focus. It’s about staying present; it’s about not working like your life depends on it.

I know this can easily sound trite or “easy for (me) to say,” but the last thing I’m about is platitudes, it’s about attitude and right focus (read more ‘Optimism’ in archives, March, by BadWitch). As love is not an emotion but action(s), behavior(s), so is happiness…and hope.

And if that rubs you the wrong way, you’ll really not like this one: our lives are a reflection of what’s going on in our hearts – the result of what’s going on in our minds. Please put the right, present in the moment, thing-you-can-control thing in your mind: the highest good of your family’s and your own well-being and life time happiness.

With respect and admiration,

Alas, the fair GoodWitch be ill today.

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! - Personal and group coaching available.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice, family, happiness, life, Life coaching, love

Tagged family, happy, life, love

Kids to Parents: Why Ask Why??

Posted on April 16, 2009 | 2 Comments

S-E-X. Made you look. Now let’s get you talking. To your kids, that is. Kids expect their parents to know everything…until they come of a certain age and then it’s, “OMG, moommm!, daaaddd! Don’t you know anything?” The blessings of parenthood are numerous, but so too its own questions. Last week, the world heard an American 13-year old girl on Oprah say, “Oral sex is the new good night kiss!” Translation: Parents, time to get past When they’re Ready, Set, and get onto “Go!” — BadWitch

READERS ARE SPELLBOUND & PERPLEXED…

Dear GW/BW – I have a ton a questions to ask for example: If we as parents say the sky is blue, how come our children respond, “No it’s green!”? At what age is it a good time to talk to your kids about sex? — Parental Oracle Long Island, NY

Dear Parental Oracle,

Oh, those darn kids! Well, as a single mom of two daughters, I get this “I know more than you,” syndrome—regularly. Why, just this morning my 9 year old attempted to correct my count of the number of pairs of shoes littering the living room. I said 4. She countered, “It’s only 3.” I placed the last pair (#4) at her feet and asked why she thought it was a good idea to push my buttons instead of doing what I asked.

It’s testing boundaries and it’s also the smarmy nature of kids to believe parents are out of touch, embarrassing, know-nothings. It’s OK. It means they are developing appropriately, as frustrating as it is. Surely you remember thinking your own parents were out of touch, embarrassing know-nothings. Keep a sense of humor. You’ll need it.

I usually make jokes about the smarminess. Though this morning all I could say was, “I have no sense of humor right now. Don’t push your luck.” Boundary pushing ceased moments later. I have found, however, that most times, my kids just want to know they are in some control of their lives—that they can be the one with the right answer. The more we joke about each of our human foibles, “accidents happen” kind of laugh at ourselves, the less they seem to need to play the smarmy role.

In the case of “The Talk,” early information (age appropriately, of course) is better. My parents shielded me from ANY real knowledge about sex. I heard that I could get breast cancer from a boy kissing my boobies. No lie. So, I learned on my own (unwise) and was an easy target for predators. Teach your kids now so other people can’t convince them they have their best interest at heart and then take advantage of them in ways that will affect them for YEARS.

My six year old knows that a Mom & Dad in love can make babies when the Dad adds his seed to Mom’s eggs in her belly. None of this has anything to do with mechanics, but even at 6 my child knows there is no stork. Thank you. I tell them when my “Moon” read monthly, starts (one bathroom, 3 people). This includes explanations of the eggs in the belly and that means I could still have a baby if I wanted to. My 9 years old is very mature for her age (acts and looks about 11). So she knows the mechanics. She’s seen the equipment in normal everyday life (no drama) since she was a baby (Dad’s & mine). Now she knows how they work together.

It’s all about age appropriate conversation. Sometimes I make comments referring to a movie about why a character should date this boy over another. The bottom line for both questions is, I want them to know they do know. I want them to feel in control and like they can speak up for themselves—who they are, what they think and how they feel. Sometimes they’re smarmy, but for girls who know themselves and know how to stick up for themselves…it’s worth it!

Keeping it real,

GoodWitch

Dear Shaper of the Future,

I’m jumping past the green sky (they’re learning and testing limits of all kinds, right? Yours, theirs, your patience as well as how you respond?) age/stage of life question right to the…

…The sex talk part. The biggest mistake parents can make is to turn this into a huge, marquee headlining Sex Talk. The Talk. That’s too much weight for one conversation. Of any kind! Instead, I’m a huge proponent of talking early, often and in (to age appropriateness) depth about sex and all things bodily with kids. Educating kids about the facts of sex is not the same as giving them permission to have sex. It is educating them, arming them to make informed and empowered decisions when the time(s) come (and you’re not around). That is walking your talk to illustrate how your kids can actually “talk to you about anything”…which in so many cases, parents, I’m with your kids who say, Yeah right!

How we talk about sex with our kids is how we feel and talk about sex ourselves. Teen pregnancy and STD rates tell a story about how we appear to feel as a nation. Growing up my, my traditional but progressively no body-shame parents introduced my siblings and I (at ages 3-6) seamlessly and naturally to the differences between men’s and women’s bodies by having small, everyday conversations while walking into the bathroom, relieving themselves while continuing to chat, washing their hands and continuing back out into the fam room. We could see the difference, no need for them to point anything out. Natural. As we got older, we started getting more words attached to appropriate conversations. And we grew up hearing our parents use the proper words for body parts and functions (all of them, not just sexual ones). The schoolyard taught us all the silly, rude and slang idioms. But by then we had proper, grown up-introduced factual context against which we could expand our knowledge, our understanding.

Being from a family of early developers, I first heard about menstruation at age 9, and basic sexual mechanics (Where Do Babies Come From?) chat by 10. Then I could stop thinking about it. The latter wasn’t so scary when I was a year older and friends started giggling about sex. The Love and/vs. Sex talk came around 11 or 12 in our house. …But, gentle reader, we are sooo old. Today’s 9-year old girls are dieting to keep themselves thin and accepted by media images and peer pressure’s standards — and by boys.

So talk to your kids early and often about the naturalness of the body and sex. Visual aids are totally encouraged! Empower and educate with your kids with facts. That is how your girls will be empowered, and your boys will be more respectful – and in both cases, of themselves and others.

Early & often power!

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! - Personal and group coaching available.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Advice, family, life, Life coaching, sex, wellness

Tagged family, happy, kids, love, parents, sex, stage of life, truth

Workplace Survivor. Alliances. Strategies. Deceit. Success. …Triumph?

Posted on April 6, 2009 | 1 Comment

Everyone knows these are financially tough times. And the fog of such days, can sometimes obscure how emotionally hard things have been for some of us off and on in the past. Allow me to mix and match my metaphors here: If charity starts at home, sometimes it may be a good thing to bring the home into the office.

— BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Help me, GW/BW – So my job is stable and I just got a bonus. I was even able to give all my employees decent raises. But I can’t say that for most of my friends. I remember a time not too long ago when I was the one laid off and many of the ones in question were not particularly helpful or supportive. On the one hand, I feel bad for them and want to cook for them or buy them dinner and a drink. On the other hand, I remember when they were not there for me. A little voice inside is saying Hah! Now the shoe is on the other foot. But the nurturing side in me does want to help. How to reconcile? I think “forgive and forget” is BS… – Survivor’s Guilt, Manhattan Beach, CA

Dear Survivor,

I get the human urge to want to gloat especially when others have been less than supportive of us in the past, but we’re talking Survivor not Temptation Island here. In this climate of uncertainty and volatility, not so sure it’s your best strategy. So don’t get voted off like a bad player if you want to stick around to play another day, overcome your basest urge(s) and be your biggest person possible. I strongly suspect you have that quality in you more than needing (wanting is a different story) to thumb your nose or lord over others’ misfortune — and that others have seen those higher qualities in you whether you felt the appreciation or not, could very well be likely one of the reasons you’re in your current blessed position. The luxury to think of such dilemmas is your just reward enough, I say. Now, sweet P/T Mama Teresa, don’t stress it and keep your whisking, cocktail swizzling kind-hearted nose to the grindstone — and spread the love and the luck.

Anyone’s karma can be a bitch,

Dear Employment Survivor,

You have a loving and nurturing heart. It is clear from your question that you are one who naturally thinks of how you can take care of the people in your life—possibly better than yourself.

Guidance we heard early in life (especially from well-meaning parents and teachers) like, “don’t brag,” “don’t get too big for your britches,” and “nobody likes a show-off” has left many otherwise functioning adults feeling guilty for taking care of themselves. We become afraid of embracing our success and congratulating ourselves for a job well done because we see others struggling. We tamper down our joy and think of ways to dole out our rewards so others will not resent us for our success. Now that’s b.s.

If there are people in your life you’ve seen struggling who have been supportive in whatever way they could be to you in the past and you want to brighten their day with lunch or dinner on you, well then, you are acting in the highest good of all. You feel good. They feel good. If, however, you feel called to act out of guilt—pull your hand back. You will be giving away emotional resources you cannot afford to expend.

Giving from the heart pays back exponentially with good feelings, good will and good karma. Giving from guilt depletes you in the same way, leaving you with residuals of shame, worry and self-doubt. This is one sure case where you should pay yourself first.

Recognize, however, this is not the same as holding a grudge. There is a difference between not offering or giving a compassionate and polite, “No.” and dangling a carrot you intend to pull away at the first opportunity out of some sense of revenge. If you are doing the former, I say, BRAVO! For respecting your own emotional boundaries. If, however, you are doing the latter, I can only leave you with the words of James Ray, Philosopher, “Holding unforgiveness against someone else and expecting them to feel pain is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Let it go.

GoodWitch

Hear the coaches – Podcasts coming. Talk to the coaches! - Personal and group coaching available.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Advice, career, happiness, life, Life coaching, money, self-improvement

Tagged financial, guilt, happy, job, money, support, work

Tag Archives: happy

Dating Chat, Scared Bambi

Booster Shot: Team Building Fun

Spine Stiffener: Assertiveness Training

Sugar Mama Packin’ Lunch Snacks, Nutrition Facts

Roomie Respect! Vegan vs. Smoking Cocktail Swiller

Time Out, Mister! How to Play

What a Strange and Bumpy Road Trip It Can Be

Kids to Parents: Why Ask Why??

Workplace Survivor. Alliances. Strategies. Deceit. Success. …Triumph?

Good Witch / Bad Witch RSS

Email Subscription

Search GWBW

Categories

Tags

Follow Us Here!

Partners & Friends

Archives

Follow “Good Witch / Bad Witch”