Tag Archives: health

The Real Clash: Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on March 21, 2011 | Leave a comment

Burn outs are kinda cool in a hot rod. Not so much on the job. How to stay cooler. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — …career of 12 years…What constitutes “burn out”? How do you know if you are actually burned out and it would be wise to find a new course to pursue, or whether you just need a long vacation, and should stay put in the industry you spent so much time developing skills, contacts and your reputation in? — Path Trekker

Dear Path Trekker,

Check out what we told Miller Time about his job exhaustion.

As for what constitutes “job burn out,” as usual, I suggest you do review columns. This time, list all the things that first ignited, attracted and fueled you to and on your job. Second column, quickly jot all the things that frustrate you on the job and about your workplace. I’d rather you list emotions/feelings elicited than nit picky line items like “broken water cooler,” which may or may not translate as “dehydrated, listless and angry.” Half joking. Cross-check the two columns. This one is more a highly subjective look-see between the two columns to see which is: larger/longer, which items may be completely negated by something in the other column, and overall how each column makes you feel. Do this exercise again same time for the next four weeks. See if recognizing and shifting what you can has changed anything for you. Own what’s yours, weigh what you can’t control against your overall life needs and peace.

Meanwhile, a well-deserved, fun-filled (whatever that means to you) vacation away from the office is always a rejuvenating, reenergizing treat our culture doesn’t take as seriously as it should. Go expedia.com, orbitz.com, or Travelocity.com (among others) — do a staycation — but go forward, Path Trekker!

Stop and smell the rose essential oil,

BadWitch

Dear Path Trekker,

Follow the tickle. The question is what inspires you and leads you t wan to spend your time in the activity.

The truth is whatever you choose to do will, no doubt, use some of the very skills and contacts you have honed over all these years. Though, you may decide the field you are in no longer serves, skills are transferable.

To start, yes, schedule a vacation. Give yourself time from the pressures of everyday to get a read on whether you enjoy the duties and opportunities available to you in your everyday career. Then it’s time you play Blue Sky/

What would you do if there were no limits? If money, security, social pressure and guilt were taken out of the work/life/career equation, what would you do with your time for work, fun, joy?

The questions to such answers may be unrealistic when normal life circumstances are applied, but it will start to point you in the right direction. You will see more clearly where your interest lie.

The key is to rest up and give yourself the time and space to figure out how you feel and what you want.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

Mondays money, work, purpose dilemmas. Thursdays family, relationships, love dramedy. Send your brewing questions on how to thrive—not just survive— modern life to: coaching@stillsitting.net.

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Posted in Advice, career, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, wellness

Tagged balance, career, emotions, happiness, health, life, purpose, responsibility, success, truth

Grudges: Do You Hold Them? (inspiration)

Posted on March 4, 2011 | Leave a comment

“He who angers you conquers you.” ~Elizabeth Kenny

“Anger is one letter short of danger.”~Anon

“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.”~ William H Walton

“People often grudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”~Aesop

“Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.”~Robert Brault

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, love, relationships, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness

Tagged anger, balance, forgiveness, grudges, happiness, health, heart center, life, love, skills

Saving Private Energy

Posted on January 13, 2011 | 3 Comments

We all do it. Continued to use an inefficient appliance, leaned on a leaky relationship, an old habit waay past its prime. Updating your life with energy stars. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — This might sound funny but I really mean this and need help. My antique fridge finally blew up and I was forced to cough up money for a new one, so I have had money and energy savings on my mind for the last two weeks. Any ideas on how to save energy and money in life? I’m really tired lately from work, so I guess I’m more interested in the energy part of my question. — Low-e

Dear Low-e,

I can only offer the BadWitch classic: balance. Some people laugh, I’ve even read articles that suggest that “balance in life” is a myth. Myth!, only to those who haven’t seen this Big Foot unicorn firsthand. Balance may be challenging to strive for but not impossible to achieve (and maintain is the 601 course level).

How do we come to balance between work and home, between love and personal identity? By our priorities. Those are the things we consciously think about, assign value to and fund with deliberate action. “Having it all” is the myth. Having to do it all is a very different thing, flickering Low-e. Recognize what you value, know that you can’t be godlike everywhere at once equally effectively, and employ your priorities to your best balanced, happy living. Reinvigorate your body-mind-spirit with your own deepest truths.

Unplugged priorities,

BadWitch

FROM THE IRONY DEPT.: GoodWitch is exhausted and tells you there was a 5-broom pile up on the 101 and she will be back for Monday’s question.

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, relationships, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged balance, body mind spirit, boundaries, energy, happiness, health, life, skills, truth

Diagnosis: Hypochondriac Roomie

Posted on December 23, 2010 | 1 Comment

Canary in a coalmine roommate style. When someone’s real or imagined illnesses begin to make you sick. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — How do I deal with a hypochondriac roommate? — Sick & Tired

Dear Sick & Tired,

Diagnosis: oh oh-itis. Talk about a possible head case and a head cold case, living with a hypochondriac. I feel for you, S&T, yet, your simple question poses a lot of variables to respond to here. 1) I’m going to assume you’re starting with a relatively new roommate, or his perceived illness is a new phenom you’re dealing with; 2) Understand that I personally believe in “appropriate involvement” only, your own tolerance may differ; and 3) Consider how long you intend to live with this person (weigh pros-cons of his roomie viability/personality against mutual balance sheet concerns), and how appropriately close or willing you are to get involved personally.

Hypochondria may be attributed to many things, and can affect relationships. Some people are legitimately stressed due to work or school, or family issues, or previous health problems. Ask what recent (or reintroduced) events may be contributing to his base stress level. Or, perhaps he is bored with too much time on his hands and nothing more productive to focus on. Maybe he’s grieving a loss that can be in- or directly attributed to illness in general. He could have a family member (or himself previously) who is experiencing a health problem that might legitimately concern him now or in the future. Ideally through talk and possible medication for depression or anxiety (see a doctor), he can begin to see his behaviors with more objectivity toward addressing and changing those behaviors for his own (not mention yours!) wellbeing.

Show concern, tread lightly, mind your boundaries, and guard your own (mental and physical) health.

Be well,

BadWitch

Dear Sick & Tired,

Well, I can see how that could be a completely draining scenario. For your sake, set up some boundaries. Your roommates aches and pains should not be the center of your world, nor should her illnesses dictate (beyond reasonable respectful consideration) your actions.

I once had a roommate who would announce her state of mind or physical issues so I would know how to act around her. WTF?! Now I’m suppose to do some co-dependant, victim-focused soft shoe to keep peace in the house? Yeah, that didn’t work out so well, because as sweet and nurturing as I am, I have no tolerance for victim waving flag holders who expect the rest of to take care and coddle them out of pity.

If your roommate is truly sick with some wasting disease that is perhaps yet not fully understood—like fibromyalgia — then the aches and pains may not be “all in the head.” But just be sure the amount of compassion, hand holding and coddling is in balance. Take time for you. Sage your bedroom and personal living space daily. Do the rest of the house at least once a week. If your hypochondriac is irritated by sage smoke, make a mister with water and add lavender and lemon verbena essential oils. Spray that around the rooms of community space to clear old, heavy energy.

Personally, it sounds like too much drama in your living space, so you may want to start the hunt for a more calm and neutral living situation. Home is the place for refreshing, rejuvenating and reenergizing. If your time is busy spent avoiding, ignoring or nurse-maiding your roommate, when does the rejuvenation happen? Beware of situations that sap your energy — especially if you notice a sharp energy decrease just by thinking of yourself in that environment or among certain people.

Keep to your space and choose to help if you want to. If you really don’t want to play nursemaid, don’t. It will only sap your energy and leave you open to a host of opportunistic illnesses.

Be good to you. Find your sanctuary living situation. This one does not sound like it is it.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, health, life, Life coaching, relationships, wellness

Tagged balance, boundaries, empathy, health, home, hypochondriac, illness, imagination, life, relationships, roommate, sick

Firing Pig Out Diet, Employing Wellness

Posted on December 2, 2010 | 6 Comments

Happy December! After our recent Thanksgiving gorge, we’re facing yet more holiday season. And some of us still face unemployment. Can you have wellness on a budget? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My pigout days are over. How do you stay healthy while you’re unemployed? Doesn’t good food like organic everything cost more? When I’m stressed out I want to eat, not cook! What are my alternatives? Oh I’m a diabetic too. — Starving for Wellness

Dear Starving for Wellness,

Let’s clear up a basic definition faux pas. “Diet” does not mean what you eat when you’re trying to lose weight, it is what and how you eat habitually. Therefore, we can all — regardless of employment and health status — have healthier diets and more wellness any time we choose to. Firstly, if you have special needs such as diabetes or food allergies, find out from your doctor what you need to have and avoid in your diet to maintain health. These can easily be inserted into your overall better food choices.

Here I go again: I am a proponent of the middle way, all things in moderation. I believe you can and should have whatever life has to offer you in balanced measure. Another key to moderation is to know yourself, including your addictions or unhealthy (mental or physical) inclinations, in which case you will most likely have to avoid those items in total to achieve and maintain your balance.

Basics to a healthy diet: there is a good rule of 80% veggies and 20% other. I don’t do this, but I do enjoy quick tips and short cuts. Mine is about portions; eat portions that are your fist size and make sure at least one of those is a veg per meal, 5 veggie servings a day is recommended. Avoid white foods: bread, processed sugar, chips or crackers — they can make you hyperglycemic (including diabetic or weight gain). Eating six (6) smaller meals during the day helps control weight by helping the body know it is not being starved (of nutrients). I shoot for four (4) a day and try to rotate in smoothies and fruits and veggies in where I otherwise might not at a larger meal. Pre-pack (protein) cheese, nuts and/or a hardboiled egg; carrots, broccoli florettes, and self-packaged fruits like apples, bananas and grapes work best for lazy-booties like me.

Know yourself and find what works for you, then work it.

Bon appetite and health all year,

BadWitch

Dear Starving for Wellness,

Eating well doesn’t have to cost a fortune. But FYI, spending a little more at checkout could save you thousands in medical bills. As a diabetic you know the array of medical issues that can stem from not eating right—from neuropathy to death.

First, know that the vogue value of organics has risen greatly over the years and fresh, organic fruits and vegetables can be found from Target to Safeway. My favored shopping spot is Trader Joe’s. You can find frozen and fresh meals and snacks that are made from whole grains and packed with vitamins. There are even “healthy” versions of Cheetos and other favorite snacks that actually taste good. Although, there are some great snacks that are good for you and taste great—like Teriyaki Turkey Jerky.

Don’t think that you have to pay absurd Whole Foods prices for good organic foods. At Trader Joe’s, a dozen Omega 3 enriched eggs are $2.39, at Whole Foods the same eggs basically $4. Safeway Organics brand offers some good values on packaged foods at about half the price of Whole Food’s O brand.

The truth is if you care about your health and your loved ones, you’ll make the investment in yourself. This starts on a most fundamental level with how you feed yourself. McDonald’s isn’t going to make you healthy. It will make you fat with bad skin, high blood pressure and aggravated diabetes. Cheetos, Doritos and potato chips will do the same.

Believe it or not it’s easy to make a healthy meal. A tortilla, some beans, grilled meat and salsa and you’ve got a yummy low carb, high protein snack. Stevia used instead of sugar and no calorie sweeteners can actually help your blood sugar numbers. Roast a sweet potato in the oven for a delicious side dish packed with vitamins. Make a few important choices in the foods you pick to improve health and your mood—without sending your budget over the deep end.

Happy Eating,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, health, life, Life coaching, money, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged balance, body image, budget, dieting, food, health, life, unemployment, wellness

How Money Works: You 101

Posted on November 29, 2010 | 1 Comment

Before making more purchases, pay off most or all debt and save a safety cushion for yourself, too. Whoa. Easier said than done, especially when no one teaches you the basics. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — This is hard and embarrassing for me to admit, so be gentle with me. I haven’t been good with money EVER. Why don’t they teach these things in school? Now I’m noticing that all my credit cards are showing me how many months and years it would take to pay off my debt if I paid the minimums. Is it ok to pay the minimums if I now know when it will be paid off? I guess I’m not really sure what that information means to my wallet? — Minimum Minnie

Dear Minimum Minnie,

Excellent and timely (holiday season) question, brave chica. Our society, while hailing you-can-doism, doesn’t take the time to teach the basics of personal finance. Additionally in listening to their stories, many women especially seem to me to have Old Skool and dysfunctional relationships with money. How we handle our selves, is how we handle money, and shows up in our credit scores. In life, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but it doesn’t follow that you would be self-disciplined (or even moderately paying attention) in one area of responsibility in your life without being similarly so around your money, too. Respect your self/your money and it will respect you in return.

As for understanding what the pay down information on your statements mean, I suggest you might want to find a credit organization, either an official business or a local bank or church that offers basic consumer credit courses for free. [In the broadest strokes, the lower the monthly payment you make on a purchase, the longer it takes to pay off and you will ultimately be paying more in interest than the principal cost of the item. It does not behoove you to pay the minimum, generally — but building up a safety cushion of savings is supremely important, simultaneously (and in all economic climates, ladies!). Also, educated yourself about annual percentage of rate (APR) and the differences between nominal APR, and effective APR, so please understand what interest rates you are actually paying.] Understanding how your money works is tied directly and bindingly to understanding how you work your life. I’m down with money maven Suze Orman’s basic and general views on women and their money . I don’t sell her books or recommend her products except in the most personal ways of appreciating how she communicates basic life ideas and ties them to basic money fundamentals.

The steps to learn about how to pay your bills and save/invest, are not rocket science. The more challenging part is realizing and grasping that it’s all about your attitude in and about how you live your life that really counts to adding up your monetary wealth.

Own your self,

BadWitch

Dear Minimum Minnie,

Congratulations on taking the first step—admitting that you don’t know. Too often—especially with money—we pretend we know because it seems like we should. But sweeping the issue under the rug in this case can be very, very costly.

First off, let’s do some really simple math. Let’s say you have a credit card at 17.5%. If you borrow $100, you have promised to pay $117.50 in return. If you owe $1000, you have a signed contract that says you will pay $175 beyond original loan. At a $10,000 debt, you will pay an additional one thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. That, however is only if you pay the entire amount of the debt off at once, immediately within the first month. Otherwise you are paying 17.5% on the total amount you owe every month. Paying the minimum means you will pay thousands over your original balance . So that $200 blouse will have cost $2000 by the time it’s paid for. Now, is it really worth $2000?

Nothing in this life is free and this money you are giving away to support your credit card company could be in your savings account. As Dave Ramsey, the Total Money Makeover author says, “Winning at money is 80 percent behavior and 20% head knowledge.”

Decide to educate yourself. Listen, you can take steps to understand how to budget and how to get out of debt on your own or wait until your finances are so tight your sanity and your bank accounts are on the rocks. Trust me, as I speak from personal experience, it is never too late to get real with your money situation. Know how much you have in the bank, how much you can afford in “discretionary” fund. Developing spending behaviors that limit debt is actually one of the most self-affirming actions you can take. My sense of self-esteem shot through the roof when I decided to take the road less traveled.

I was the youngest child in my family — a happy surprise, I like to think. Because I was so much younger than my siblings and my parents were older when I was born, my family opted for the” just do it for her” rather than teaching route. This later developed into my own questioning whether I was even capable, since even as I got older everyone else assumed I needed someone else to do it for me, pay it for me, take care of me. Fast forward to getting a divorce with two children in tow and listening to my family worry about how I will survive.

Did I do everything right? Hell no. But I learned after quite a bit of denial and finding myself in the corner shorting Peter to keep Paul from turning off my lights. You can make a number of decisions, including Consumer Credit Counseling, but it all comes down to making the decision to over-throw the consumer addiction. Live on less. Maybe you don’t need to spend $150 on cable every month. Perhaps you can get by on $75 worth of channels.

Aren’t you ready to build wealth instead of debt? Get information from the experts. Read David Bach’s Automatic Millionaire. The little cuts invested well can add up to millions. Take the first steps for yourself. You’ll build you sense of your personal capability. You’ll know you have power over your life. And you are powerful. Just decide to own it.

Happy wealth building,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Tagged balance, dysfunctional, economy, financial, focus, happiness, health, life, money, responsibility, skills, truth

More Wellness, Less Health Problems

Posted on November 15, 2010 | 3 Comments

You want to be healthy and know that wellness is prevention and prevention is, as they say, worth a pound of cure. How to maintain wellbeing in a culture that values OT and fast food?? — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — You talk about taking care of yourself first in your stress management program (which no offense I was really suspicious, it’s actually good!). After finally getting over some health problems the last couple years, I’m a firm believer. So what do you do if you work at a company that doesn’t value employee “wellness” and only those who slave their lives in OT away to get ahead? I’ve been here since college and want to get past middle management, but the older I get, the less I’m willing to compromise my healthy and wellbeing. — Squeezed in the Middle

Dear Squeezed in the Middle,

Wow, a classic yet throwback question, Squeezed. It’s a flavor of the perennial “I need experience to get experience.” You need to have wellness before you can have true health…and you need your job, too. I have a lot of hope for you to do the right thing — by you. Really examine what’s important to you (items from paying the bills consistently to feeding your body and soul properly) in life, what you stand for and what your values are, and you will do the right thing as far as your job, current and future ones, are concerned.

As for wellness, if you indeed completed our de-stress program (which I view far more as a self-mastery tool), aside from learning how many ways stress is a real life killer, you know that self-care is tied to self-esteem, wellness tied to your overall wellbeing, also tied to your self-esteem — a full circle. Squeezed, as your past illness showed you only too well, integrating wellness as a lifestyle is not to compartmentalize your (singular) life into “work” and “home” and not about squeezing in time to be well, but about Being well in small and large ways throughout your one and only life in balanced and sustainable ways. And we like to keep the practice of all of that simple. Just takes practice.

Keep your eye on the prize (you),

BadWitch

Dear Squeezed in the Middle,

It sounds like you already know what your options are. You can 1) sacrifice your health and mental stability by playing the role of stressed out, over-worked unbalanced employee and move ahead, 2) continue to do good consistent work, take care of yourself and remain in middle management trying to educate the higher ups on the importance of self-care and stress management for improved employee morale and attendance, or c) continue to work in a balanced way while researching your options for finding your next wrung of the ladder in a new work environment.

The question is: how long are you in for?

Option number 1 requires subjugating your own sense of self-worth so that someone else will value your contribution. If the higher ups cannot appreciate a solid and consistent employee who understands work life balance, than perhaps this is not the right work environment for you. After all, you should not be forced into some co-dependent agreement that will set your personal development further back to hopefully move your career forward. Of course, if the stress makes you sick with blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease or any other host of issues, you probably won’t get that promotion because then you’ll be blamed for missing work for doctor appointment and sick time.

Do what is right for you. Live a balanced life that allows for a personal life, while being a responsible employee—while spending some personal time looking for a company that respects your need to have a life. Take this time to get your resume straight. Take some development classes in your field, which will allow you to meet others in your field and find out about their company policies.

You seem to be on the course to deciding on the best course of action for you. Just remember in your decision-making process that your health and wellness MUST come first, because (please excuse the cliché, but it’s so true) without your health, what have you got and how much can you enjoy it?

Peace be the journey,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, wellness

Tagged balance, body image, happiness, health, job, life, skills, stress, wellness, workplace

Job Offer Relocate or Reject & Stay?

Posted on October 25, 2010 | 3 Comments

When partners can’t agree on one’s job offer that affects both, the job at hand is to choose the best compromise. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — My wife has a (lateral) job offer from her firm that necessitates our relocating across the country. We know no one in that state, its job prospects for me are on par with most any other state, we could buy a lot of house there by selling ours here, and we have one preschool child. Here’s the kicker, I want her to pull the trigger more than she seems to want to. She seems satisfied with her work but I think they’re trying to save her job with this offer. I fear she will stay and then get laid off and we need both salaries. We’ve talked and talked but just can’t come to agreement. Suggestions? — Worried Hubby

Dear Worried Hubby,

Since you say you’ve both talked it through so much, let’s not debate the merits of your wife taking this job as you’d like. Let’s have you two honestly explore your individual fears around both her scenarios: accepting and rejecting the offer.

It sounds simple but I like a good pro/con-type list for such quandries, and especially if I’m in one with someone else. Writing it out will help you two see your own and each other’s underlying fears more clearly and completely, and that allows you both to connect the dots to your actual line items of financial impact, realistic stability of her company/current job, your age(s) to starting over elsewhere, the tax benefits between your current versus a more inexpensive home, and so much more. I am suggesting this list be developed and written as objectively as possible, and using different color pens will help you see each other’s points all the clearer.

Your primary challenge is not to be right, but to untangle the emotions from this situation, to make the best decision for your family together you know how.

More teamwork, less worry,

BadWitch

Dear Worried Hubby,

There is more to moving than the bottom line. I get what your concerns are, and they are valid. However, I think you may be overlooking your wife’s concerns.

Yes, you can have more house, but your salary in this new place is not guaranteed. And the amount of that salary will probably be commensurate with the state, as opposed to what you are making now where you are. Also, you will have no support. That may not seem like much now, but no one to ask for last minute help. No one to invite over for pizza, beer and communing that you know you can let down all your pretenses with and just hang. Babysitters, schools, friends will all have to be vetted again in the hopes of carving out a niche in a community you can really feel at home in. You are ready to make this leap, but my guess is, your wife may not be as ready to be cut adrift in a strange new place.

Perhaps you two can work out how you are both feeling about your options in a couple of lists. One lists is your pro and con list on moving, another is hers. The next list is ideas for making it work if you stay and she gets laid off. Another may be lists of possible job opportunities and starting salaries in the new state. Get a better sense of all the factors. Do you know % of joblessness in the new state vs. where you are? Do you know whether there are more jobs in your wife’s field or yours? Who will have an easier time finding new work?

Both of you should start applying to jobs—she should look where you are now and you should look in this new place. See who starts to get positive feedback. Maybe she finds work where you are now, doesn’t have to give up her community and you two don’t need to incorporate the chaos of moving into your lives. Or maybe you get some great results from your new job search and spark her interest. Seems like you both need more real world research to know what the best choice is.

I know you are worried and looking for the best possible outcome for your family. Trust that your wife is as well. Now, investigate so you can make decisions based on real world opportunities rather than unrealized fears. It’s the best way to put that worry energy to good use and limit regret.

Mantra: We both want what is best for the family. We will not react from fear, but from knowns. If we act together, we can make it through whatever changes are ahead because we are a family.

Happy researching,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Tagged balance, boundaries, career, economy, emotions, empathy, family, financial, focus, happiness, health, home, job, job offer, kids, life, love, money, relationships, relocation, responsibility, school, sex, skills, success, support, truth, work

Grief, Loss and Embracing Changes

Posted on September 27, 2010 | 4 Comments

It’s inevitable that we will all come to lose someone we love dearly, and our world can feel shattered and never the same again. It’s possible that such changes can eventually be positive and self-accepting life affirming ones. — BadWitch

Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I lost my husband a few years ago. I haven’t gotten over it and no one understands my deep, deep grief. I know I’m not the only one who’s lost her husband, but mine did everything for me and now I am completely alone in the world. Even my kids can’t console me. Sometimes I just want to die and get it over with. My doctor already has me on some middle dosage depression meds for years, this isn’t new, but it’s worse than ever. — Lost Will

Dear Lost Will,

As you’ve already experienced, depression is a complex and highly individual disorder you should continue to monitor with your doctor. Its causes can be physical, neurological, hormonal. Grief is an interesting animal, and a response to an emotion (usually sadness resulting from loss). Being a response, it isn’t always what it seems, time doesn’t always heal all wounds back to original state, but the good news is that we can change our responses — the grief experience is one more of those life lessons you can choose to learn from or disregard to your own peril.

I feel your pain, am sorry for your loss but encourage you to allow for your own (new and current) life. Being present is not just a goal but the only way towards being fully alive, despite our hurts and fears. But as a close family member of mine experiences her widowhood much the same way you describe, and I encourage her to get back in touch with herself and take joy in her blessed and rich life, I’ve also witnessed how extremely easy it is for you to dismiss these supportive words which probably sound hollow to you, and retreat deeper into the seeming safety of your own mind. I firmly believe we create our own realities, so I will end by holding the space for you to find the will to lean into your family daily and console yourself through engaged action hourly.

Wishing you clarity,

BadWitch

Dear Lost Will,

The grief of losing someone you love really never goes away, but the sting can fade over time if you allow it. Of course, most times we don’t want the sting to fade, because if the sting fades, they are really gone aren’t they? But keeping the grief alive only keeps the painful separation alive, not the one you have loved and lost.

It has taken me years to get past the cold, hollow feeling of loneliness I felt when I unexpectedly lost a dear friend who was like my big brother. In fact, he was better than my big brothers. He was there. He disapproved of the boys I chose to date. He talked to me into the wee hours of the morning when I wanted to cut all ties with my mother always and forever. He was my rock and he was suddenly gone at 30 years old.

Does the ache go away completely? No, I’m crying as I type this. But I do not let myself dwell there because my life with Dan was so much more than his death. There were years of laughter and silliness, long serious talks and a constant feeling of actually mattering to someone. I know he wanted more for me than I could want for myself. I know he still does. I refuse to sum up our relationship with grief. I choose to stand up straight and make a plan for a better day—each day.

Like everything in life, positive changes will not just happen. You must make them happen. Do you think the man you loved and continue to love wanted you so immersed in grief you could not enjoy the gifts of life he left behind for you? Your children are extensions of his spirit, his love—your time together. Embrace these moments or you will lose them because you have not taken the time to build a bridge to them. If you are so immersed in your grief, who’s helping them make sense of theirs? Do you want them left with the impression that only he mattered? That they are now fully abandoned because you would rather live with one foot in the grave than walk in the world of the living with them?

I know this may all sound a bit harsh, but the truth has its own sting. Wake up! Life is here for you right now and you are here while your husband is gone for a reason. Find out what that reason is. Is it to help your kids grow strong, knowing they are loved and that they matter, so they can have the kind of love-filled relationship you and your husband shared? Is it to help others who live with deep, despairing grief? You are still here. Do you really think your purpose is to sit in depression waiting to die?

Decide to live and make the most of it. Join a grief support group and talk about how much you miss him rather than stewing in it. Learn to meditate, do some breathwork or even learn Reiki—something you can do for yourself to help yourself heal. Your life is still going and there are others who depend on you to keep going. Do you want to mark their lives by grieving for you, their dad and the lost chance of a loving relationship with their mother?

As much as we moms would occasionally like to crawl under the covers, drown in our sorrows and never come up to the light of day again, we haven’t the luxury. We made a choice to bring these souls into the world. It is our job to meet our responsibilities. Not just food and shelter, but love and companionship—a safe harbor.

I feel your pain, but I feel the pain of those who love you now. Don’t let it all slip away because you were too afraid to try again. Take a step into the light every day. It’s time for recovery. It’s time to appreciate the many gifts he left you, not just the fact that he left you.

May your life be filled with peace. May angels safeguard your heart to give it the safe sace to heal and may all the blessings of your world be made more apparent every single day.

Love and blessings,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, de-stress, family, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, love, relationships, self-improvement, spirituality

Tagged balance, depression, emotions, family, grief, happiness, health, joy, kids, life, loss, love, relationships, responsibility, skills, truth

Vacation Worry for Single Business Owner

Posted on July 26, 2010 | Leave a comment

Sometimes it’s not that you feel like you’re the only one doing everything, if you’re a single business owner, you really are. Is a vacation too much of a leap for a one-person service provider? — BadWitch

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Readers Are Spellbound & Perplexed…

Dear GWBW — I’m a sole owner of an established service biz that does well, but when I go on vacation, I have to shut down for the week. This has been fine in the past, but with this crappy economy I’ve started to be more concerned about this and other coverage. Suggestions? — Without a Plus One

Dear Without a Plus One,

You worked hard to establish and grow your business, who you let fill-in for you is an important decision and shouldn’t be put off. It’s a bit like a lateral business succession. I suggest you start planning for. If you do a Big Picture, more-than-you-need-today sort of planning for your vacations or other absences, it will help you realize and/or recommit to your real vision, mission and values for your business, and the right person/people will make themselves obvious to you from within your field that I assume you are networking or otherwise working.

Chemistry counts. Once you’ve identified a person or two (try asking for recommendations, your industry’s features of movers and shakers, and related schools for candidates) you feel would be a good fill-in for you (similar ethics should be on the above list, as in not stealing your client), why don’t you try trading schedules/clients, and/or even working side-by-side (whatever this might look like in your unspecified service business) when you both can accommodate this, and when it doesn’t matter.

Now more than ever, when times are tough and you’re worried or more mindful of money, make sure to take a vacation (even a few long weekends count), give yourself a true break from thinking and being around the work. Refreshing and nurturing yourself is just as important an investment in your business as making the right choices for fill-ins.

Be smart, have more fun!

BadWitch

Dear Without a Plus One,

Sounds like it’s time for you to weigh the pros and cons of hiring an assistant. What’s going to cost you more—payroll or week’s worth of income? Payroll or your ability to take a vacation or get sick without excessive worry.

Coverage for a business is about more than the lost week, actually. It’s about consistency for customers. If they know you’ll always be there, there is no need for them to look at one of your competitors for service. But, honestly being closed for a week may be just the leg up your competition needs to win some of your clients from you. Sure, you won’t lose all your steady customers, but some newbies may be won over by the competitions bells and whistles when you are not there to serve them at all.

Finding a good assistant means taking breaks when you need to without worry about shutting down the store. What kind of coverage do you have when you are sick? It is an investment, no doubt, but your hiring an employee may be just the thing to give you peace of mind so you can actually enjoy your vacation—sans worry.

Of course, you must be sure you hire the right person. Be sure they are competent, trustworthy and willing to accept a lower hourly salary. Family member or reliable friends may turn out to be the part-time employee you are seeking—or be able to suggest someone you can rely on.

Worry is a wasted emotion. I suggest looking for solutions. The answers are most likely much closer than you think.

Good luck,

GoodWitch

Juicy Relationship Coaching for Leaders and Individuals.

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Posted in Advice, career, de-stress, happiness, health, life, Life coaching, self-improvement, wellness

Tagged balance, boss, business, career, economy, financial, happiness, health, job, joy, life, money, relationships, responsibility, sole proprietor, vacation, work

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Vacation Worry for Single Business Owner

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